Monday, November 8, 2010

I miss my mother

The Soul never dies, it’s only the body that leaves, is what I hear and read. We are spiritual beings having a human experience is what we are told. I understand all this intellectually and even talk about it and discuss it and try and help people in their pain when a loved one leaves the physical body and merges with source.

So why today on the 11th anniversary of mothers passing away, my tears cannot stop. Why am I hurting so much despite knowing that it’s only the physical, the tangible that is gone? My mother’s spirit or soul still exists. I am in constant communion with the soul, I am told.

But I want more than that, I want to see her, touch her, scream at her, love her, go for movies with her, share a meal with her, have her read stories to Inara. I want the physical, the tangible, the touchable, the huggable but I can never have that back. I have to convince myself that her spirit is watching over me, loving me and looking after me.

All I can do is light a candle in her memory and shed tears, wondering when the pain will lessen or hopefully cease completely. It somehow does not. Thoughts of my father who left his physical body over 3 decades ago still hound me and the memories of my 8 years shared with him come flooding back. So how can I expect the pain of my mum passing over to lessen in 11 years? I guess it will always be a part of me and I just have to learn to live with it.

What I am finding ironic is that when people come to me sharing their pain of bereavement and betrayal, I can offer such great words of advice that sometimes I wonder where they are coming from. I have been told that somehow speaking with me calms them down and they can cope better. Why then am I not able to calm myself down? Why are the tears continuing to flow? Where are all the words that I speak to others? Why am I not able to calm myself down and have faith and belief that my mother is in a better place and that she is happier?

My intellect knows this to be the case, but my feelings and my mind are unwilling to accept the loss of the physical form. I am going to allow myself the luxury of pain and allow the tears to flow and I know that my mum is watching and will wipe those tears away.

I love you mom and I wish you were here, but I am going to let you go and not be like a spoilt child who keeps calling the parents when they are on a vacation. I will let you enjoy your new home and wish you all the best and hope that I will be able to see you again and tell you how much I love you.

Your Loving daughter who never really did tell you how much she loved you.

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