As the name suggests it's all about happiness and whether some simple daily actions can have a positive impact on how happy we are and how happy we make the people around us.
We're going to start by asking you to think about how you're feeling about life and what happiness means for you.
We will then ask you to try a few simple actions out over the course of a week. They are all things that recent scientific research suggests can have a positive impact on people's feelings of happiness and fulfilment.
We want to hear how you get on with the actions as part of your normal daily routine. We're interested in how you choose to do them, whether you find them enjoyable or difficult and how you feel about it all at the end.
Can we affect our happiness?
Each of us is unique and how happy we are depends on lots of different factors including our genes, our circumstances and our approach to life.
We often think that our circumstances – where we live, what we have, what we earn and so on – have a big effect on how happy we are. However, these things tend to have much less impact than most people expect.
Instead, research suggests that a big part of how happy we are is determined by our attitude and choices, rather than our circumstances.
So we have an opportunity to make ourselves and others happier by the way we approach our lives and the actions we choose to take.
About this workbook
This workbook is intended for you, so please write things which are a true reflection of how you feel. There are no right or wrong answers.
The Happiness Challenge was put together by Action for Happiness to support a BBC Breakfast feature on happiness. Action for Happiness is a charity which aims to encourage and enable the move to a happier society. Find out more and join the movement at www.actionforhappiness.org
The Happiness Challenge was developed in partnership with Headspace which specialises in teaching mindfulness meditation. You can find out more at www.getsomeheadspace.com
Your happiness
Overall, how happy would you say you are these days?
Give your rating on a scale of 1 (low) to 10 (high).
What is happiness?
Take a moment to think about what happiness means to you. Note down whatever comes in to your head.
Now think about specific things that often make you happy. These could be activities, people, places or anything else that comes to mind.
Score out of 10
What does happiness mean to you?
Example: Feeling good about how things are going
What things make you happy?
Example: A relaxing day at home with my family
The Happiness Challenge
We would like you to try some simple actions in your daily lives, initially over the course of a week. They may be things you already do. If not, then you may want to make them part of your on-going routine if they're useful.
They are all things that recent scientific research has shown can have a positive impact on people's feelings of happiness and fulfilment.
Be Mindful
Do less and notice more
Be Grateful
Remember the good things
Be Kind
Do things for others
Want more action ideas?
These are just three of the many areas where scientific research suggests we can take action to make both ourselves and others happier.
For more evidence-based ideas to increase happiness and well-being check out the Five Ways to Wellbeing, developed by nef as part of the UK Government’s Foresight Project on Mental Capital.
www.neweconomics.org/projects/five-ways-well-being
Also, in April 2011 the new interactive Action for Happiness website will be launched packed full of ideas for happier living. Sign up to find out more.
Be Mindful
Do less and notice more
Mindfulness is a way of paying attention to the present moment. When we're mindful we become more aware of our thoughts and feelings and better able to manage them.
Being mindful can boost our concentration, improve our relationships and help with stress or depression. It can even have a positive effect on physical problems like chronic pain.
Anyone can learn to be mindful. It's simple, you can do it anywhere, and the results can be life-changing.
Action: Take 10
Take 10 minutes each day to do a simple mindfulness meditation.
Many of us spend much of our time focused either on the past or on the future, paying very little attention to what is happening right now.
Being mindful involves staying in the moment, spending more time noticing what's going on both inside ourselves and in our surroundings. Rather than trying to change things it involves accepting the way that things are, for better or for worse.
Be Grateful
Remember the good things
Being grateful is about much more than just saying thank you – it's about not taking things for granted and having a sense of appreciation and thankfulness for life.
People who are grateful tend to be happier, healthier and more fulfilled. Being grateful can help people cope with stress and can even have a beneficial effect on heart rate.
Action: Three Good Things
Each day write down three good things that happened. They can be anything you feel good about or grateful for.
Even on a bad day there are normally some things that we can feel good about. Taking time to be grateful is not about ignoring the bad things – it just helps us focus our attention more on the positive, rather than dwell on the negative.
To get used to the idea, start by filling in the boxes below to describe three good things that happened to you yesterday and why they were good.
Try to include why you felt each of the things was really good.
Now repeat this activity at the end of each day for a week. Use the blank boxes on the following pages to write down your Three Good Things down each day.
Good Thing 1
Example: Best night's sleep for ages so felt much more energetic !
Good Thing 2
Example: Lunch with Steve and Jane – great to see old friends again
Good Thing 3
Example: Home in time to bath the kids. We really had fun together
Action for Happiness
Three Good Things exercise
Write down three good things that happened to you today. They can be anything you feel good about or grateful for.
Use this sheet to keep a record of your Three Good Things each day over the course of a week. Try to include why you felt each of the things was really good.
Try to write down your three good things every day if possible – but if for some reason you miss a day then don't worry, just carry on the next day.
You could even talk to your family or friends about your three good things and ask them about theirs.
1
Day/date:
Good Thing 1
Good Thing 2
Good Thing 3
2
Day/date:
Good Thing 1
Good Thing 2
Good Thing 3
3
Day/date:
Good Thing 1
Good Thing 2
Good Thing 3
4
Day/date:
Good Thing 1
Good Thing 2
Good Thing 3
5
Day/date:
Good Thing 1
Good Thing 2
Good Thing 3
6
Day/date:
Good Thing 1
Good Thing 2
Good Thing 3
7
Day/date:
Good Thing 1
Good Thing 2
Good Thing 3
Be Grateful
Remember the good things
Action: Letter of Gratitude
Who are you really grateful to?
Think of three people who have been a really positive influence in your life and that you feel really grateful to.
They could be a member of your family, an old teacher, long-lost friend, colleague or someone else who has made a real difference in your life.
Person 1: Who is it and why are you grateful to them?
Person 2: Who is it and why are you grateful to them?
Person 3: Who is it and why are you grateful to them?
Now choose one of these people to write to and tell them how grateful you are; perhaps someone you've not thanked properly before.
Think about the impact this person had on you and write a letter to tell them:
• • •
What specifically are you grateful for? How did they help you? How did it help make you the person you are today?
You can write the letter any way you like – but try to be really in touch with the feeling of being grateful to them as you write.
If possible, arrange to visit the person and read the letter aloud to them. Otherwise post or email the letter to them and maybe follow up with a phone call.
Who did you write your letter of gratitude to? How did it feel?
Be Kind
Do things for others
Doing things to help others is not only good for the recipients - it has a positive payback for our happiness and health too. When people experience kindness it also makes them kinder as a result – so kindness is contagious!
As the saying goes: "if you want to feel good, do good"
Action: Daily Acts of Kindness
Perform an extra act of kindness each day.
This could be a compliment, a helping hand, a hug, a gift or something else. The act may be large or small and the recipient may not even be aware of it.
Ideally your acts of kindness should be beyond the kind things you already do on a regular basis. And of course the acts mustn't put you or others in danger!
Do at least one extra kind act each day for a week, ideally a different one each day. Here are some ideas for acts of kindness:
1. Give up your seat
2. Hold a door open for someone
3. Give a (sincere) compliment
4. Make someone laugh
5. Give someone a hug
6. Take time to really listen to someone
7. Make someone new feel welcome
8. Let one car in on every journey
9. Give directions to someone who's lost
10. Have a conversation with a stranger
11. Pick up litter as you walk
12. Let someone in front of you in the supermarket queue
13. Tell someone they mean a lot to you
14. Let someone have your parking spot
15. Read a story with a child
16. Offer your change to someone struggling to find the right amount
17. Treat a loved one to breakfast in bed
18. Buy cakes or fruit for your colleagues
19. Invite your neighbour round for a drink and a chat
20. Offer to help with someone's shopping
21. Tell someone if you notice they're doing a good job
22. Pass on a book you've enjoyed
23. Say sorry (you know who to)
24. Forgive someone for what they've done
25. Visit a sick friend, relative or neighbour
26. Buy an unexpected gift for someone
27. Bake something for a neighbour
28. Pay for someone in the queue behind
29. Do a chore that you don't normally do
30. Help out someone in need
31. Offer to look after a friend's children
32. Offer to mow your neighbour's lawn
33. Donate your old things to charity
34. Give food to a homeless person and take time to talk with them
35. Visit someone who may be lonely
36. Give blood
37. Get back in contact with someone you've lost touch with
38. Organise a fundraising event
39. Volunteer your time for a charity
40. Plan a street party
Note: Kindness benefits and exercises based on work by Lyubomirsky, S. (2007)
Acts of kindness exercise
Do at least one extra kind act each day for a week, ideally a different one each day.
Ideally your act of kindness should be something beyond the kind things you do on a regular basis.
Use this sheet to keep a record of your acts of kindness. You can also note down how you felt about doing them and whether you found them easy or difficult.
1 Day/date:
What did you do? Who for? How did it go?
2 Day/date:
What did you do? Who for? How did it go?
3 Day/date:
What did you do? Who for? How did it go?
4 Day/date:
What did you do? Who for? How did it go?
5 Day/date:
What did you do? Who for? How did it go?
6 Day/date:
What did you do? Who for? How did it go?
7 Day/date:
What did you do? Who for? How did it go?
My Action Plan
Things to try this week
Be Mindful
• Daily 10-minute Mindfulness exercise
Be Kind
• Daily Act(s) of kindness
Be Grateful
• Three Good Things each day • Letter of Gratitude
"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions"
Dalai Lama
If you think happiness matters and want to be part of creating a happier society for everyone, then join thousands of others at www.actionforhappiness.org
Tips to get more out of the exercises
If you find any or all of these actions useful then you may want to make them part of your on-going routine. Don't worry if you find some actions work well for you and others don’t - everyone has their personal preferences. Variety is good so try different exercises on different days.
Mindfulness has most benefit when done regularly, ideally every day. But the other actions don't necessarily need to be done every day. Acts of kindness are great to make part of your normal routine, but the effects can be greater if you do a number of different kind acts all on the same day. The Three Good Things action can have a positive impact if carried out every few days or even just once a week. The Letter of Gratitude is normally a one-off activity, depending on who you want to thank – but of course you can still take time to thank the people who help you day-to-day.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Four stages of Spiritual Development
The Four Stages of Spiritual Development
According to Scott Peck , author of the best seller 'A road less travelled ' there are four stages of human spiritual development :
Stage I is chaotic, disordered, and reckless. Very young children are in Stage I. They tend to defy and disobey, and are unwilling to accept a will greater than their own. They are extremely egoistic and lack empathy for others. Many criminals are people who have never grown out of Stage I.
Stage II is the stage at which a person has blind faith in authority figures and sees the world as divided simply into good and evil, right and wrong, us and them. Once children learn to obey their parents and other authority figures, often out of fear or shame, they reach Stage II. Many so-called religious people are essentially Stage II people, in the sense that they have blind faith in God, and do not question His existence. With blind faith comes humility and a willingness to obey and serve. The majority of good, law-abiding citizens never move out of Stage II.
Stage III is the stage of scientific skepticism and questioning. A Stage III person does not accept things on faith but only accepts them if convinced logically. Many people working in scientific and technological research are in Stage III. They often reject the existence of spiritual or supernatural forces since these are difficult to measure or prove scientifically. Those who do retain their spiritual beliefs move away from the simple, official doctrines of fundamentalism.
Stage IV is the stage where an individual starts enjoying the mystery and beauty of nature and existence. While retaining skepticism, he starts perceiving grand patterns in nature and develops a deeper understanding of good and evil, forgiveness and mercy, compassion and love. His religiousness and spirituality differ significantly from that of a Stage II person, in the sense that he does not accept things through blind faith or out of fear, but does so because of genuine belief, and he does not judge people harshly or seek to inflict punishment on them for their transgressions. This is the stage of loving others as yourself, losing your attachment to your ego, and forgiving your enemies. Stage IV people are labeled as Mystics.
So where do you think you belong ???
According to Scott Peck , author of the best seller 'A road less travelled ' there are four stages of human spiritual development :
Stage I is chaotic, disordered, and reckless. Very young children are in Stage I. They tend to defy and disobey, and are unwilling to accept a will greater than their own. They are extremely egoistic and lack empathy for others. Many criminals are people who have never grown out of Stage I.
Stage II is the stage at which a person has blind faith in authority figures and sees the world as divided simply into good and evil, right and wrong, us and them. Once children learn to obey their parents and other authority figures, often out of fear or shame, they reach Stage II. Many so-called religious people are essentially Stage II people, in the sense that they have blind faith in God, and do not question His existence. With blind faith comes humility and a willingness to obey and serve. The majority of good, law-abiding citizens never move out of Stage II.
Stage III is the stage of scientific skepticism and questioning. A Stage III person does not accept things on faith but only accepts them if convinced logically. Many people working in scientific and technological research are in Stage III. They often reject the existence of spiritual or supernatural forces since these are difficult to measure or prove scientifically. Those who do retain their spiritual beliefs move away from the simple, official doctrines of fundamentalism.
Stage IV is the stage where an individual starts enjoying the mystery and beauty of nature and existence. While retaining skepticism, he starts perceiving grand patterns in nature and develops a deeper understanding of good and evil, forgiveness and mercy, compassion and love. His religiousness and spirituality differ significantly from that of a Stage II person, in the sense that he does not accept things through blind faith or out of fear, but does so because of genuine belief, and he does not judge people harshly or seek to inflict punishment on them for their transgressions. This is the stage of loving others as yourself, losing your attachment to your ego, and forgiving your enemies. Stage IV people are labeled as Mystics.
So where do you think you belong ???
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Looking for answers !!!
I received the following question in my inbox from a young woman.
My mind is completely pre occupied with the thoughts of someone I think I am falling in love with. I am not sure how he feels about me? I don’t know what to do. I cannot stop thinking of him and it is driving me crazy…Can you please help? ( Looking for advice)
My first reaction was, how amazing and how wonderful to be in love and be pre occupied with the thoughts of your beloved. On probing further I came to know that she was in “love “ with a married man who although had shown an interest in her was in no way ready to be with her in the long term.
She was twisting and turning in knots thinking about him and her future. She wanted me to tell her what to do.
Of course the easy approach to adopt would be to say to her that she was being completely silly and that she should forget about this guy and find someone who was better suited and single. She did not come to me to hear exactly what every one was telling her. Her friends, her well wishers and her family were all saying the same thing. Forget about him and move on.
I think she wanted some sort of consolation and affirmation about what she was doing. According to her, “ She did not intend falling in love with a married man, it just happened.”
Of course , it just happened. Love is the least understood and yet the most desired of emotions. Love is what makes life worth living, love is what brings joy, love is happiness, but the same love leads to pain, heartbreak, sadness and misery. So what do we make of this thing called love.
Love does seem to be a very addictive drug and recent research suggests that romantic attraction is in fact a primitive, biologically based drive, like hunger or sex. While lust makes our eye wander, it's the drive for romance that allows us to focus on one particular person, though we often can't explain why.
Often we are more in love with the idea of being in love. We have been primed by various media that we are incomplete and the only way to joy and happiness is to find that one person who completes us. No wonder we are constantly searching for that special someone.
In this case the young lady in question has just come out of a relationship and it is not surprising that she is feeling an emptiness that she thinks can only be filled by this particular beau. The initial rush of adrenalin at the first meeting has somehow made her think that she is in love. Of course there is infatuation and lust, but then who am I to say that it is not love.
The evidence however points otherwise. They met at a theme park, where he was out with his children. They went on a roller coaster ride and had a coffee. All of the above give a false positive as far as love is concerned.
Roller coaster and coffee raise the heart beat and release adrenalin and hugging children raises oxytocin ( the bonding hormone). Raised heart beat is also associated with love, lust and passion. This combination is almost as lethal as drugs and alcohol to woo a woman. In the case of this particular lady, she has probably been misled by adrenalin and oxytocin.
According to Helen Fisher , biological anthropologist at Rutgers University , people in love often show the signs of surging dopamine: increased energy, less need for sleep or food, focused attention and exquisite delight in smallest details of this novel relationship, very similar to affects of cocaine. This power is enough to warp judgment in otherwise sensible people.
So it is not surprising that the lady in question feels completely smitten and all she can think of is an expected high!
On the flip side , if passionate romance is like a drug, as the MRI images suggest, then it's bound to lose its kick. Studies of dating and engaged couples find that feelings of passionate love and infatuation tend to fade quickly in the first year, and a year or two later often are all but gone. Seeing romance as a biologically based, drug-like state can at least provide some balm for a broken heart. Like a drug addict would tell you, "the highs don't last, but neither does the withdrawal. With time the craving and pain go away and the brain returns to normal."
So my advice would be to hold off on the urge for a while and see how she feels.
Also she could try and enlist support of friends and talk about her feelings. Even better than that would be for her to find someone who is going through some sort of challenge and offer her help and support to that person.
When we focus our attention on something beyond ourselves, our pains and desires become inconsequential. In this case, she is hurting and in pain because of unrequited love. According to Buddha, what ever we want in life we need to give that away. In this case, her love is not even considered sanctimonious so I doubt she will get any sympathy from her friends, but she could most certainly give love to those who are lonely. Especially at this time of the year, it could be an opportunity to spread good cheer.
In a nutshell, my advice- keep your heart open for love and give love away to all instead of focusing on this one person who is unavailable.
The repercussions of acting on her desires could be extremely painful for a lot of people involved. I am sure she would not want to be happy being the 5th wheel and I see no solution at this stage other than asking her to be open and loving towards herself and the world at large. ☺
Shveitta Sethi Sharma
Chief Happiness Officer
“ In Happiness”
My mind is completely pre occupied with the thoughts of someone I think I am falling in love with. I am not sure how he feels about me? I don’t know what to do. I cannot stop thinking of him and it is driving me crazy…Can you please help? ( Looking for advice)
My first reaction was, how amazing and how wonderful to be in love and be pre occupied with the thoughts of your beloved. On probing further I came to know that she was in “love “ with a married man who although had shown an interest in her was in no way ready to be with her in the long term.
She was twisting and turning in knots thinking about him and her future. She wanted me to tell her what to do.
Of course the easy approach to adopt would be to say to her that she was being completely silly and that she should forget about this guy and find someone who was better suited and single. She did not come to me to hear exactly what every one was telling her. Her friends, her well wishers and her family were all saying the same thing. Forget about him and move on.
I think she wanted some sort of consolation and affirmation about what she was doing. According to her, “ She did not intend falling in love with a married man, it just happened.”
Of course , it just happened. Love is the least understood and yet the most desired of emotions. Love is what makes life worth living, love is what brings joy, love is happiness, but the same love leads to pain, heartbreak, sadness and misery. So what do we make of this thing called love.
Love does seem to be a very addictive drug and recent research suggests that romantic attraction is in fact a primitive, biologically based drive, like hunger or sex. While lust makes our eye wander, it's the drive for romance that allows us to focus on one particular person, though we often can't explain why.
Often we are more in love with the idea of being in love. We have been primed by various media that we are incomplete and the only way to joy and happiness is to find that one person who completes us. No wonder we are constantly searching for that special someone.
In this case the young lady in question has just come out of a relationship and it is not surprising that she is feeling an emptiness that she thinks can only be filled by this particular beau. The initial rush of adrenalin at the first meeting has somehow made her think that she is in love. Of course there is infatuation and lust, but then who am I to say that it is not love.
The evidence however points otherwise. They met at a theme park, where he was out with his children. They went on a roller coaster ride and had a coffee. All of the above give a false positive as far as love is concerned.
Roller coaster and coffee raise the heart beat and release adrenalin and hugging children raises oxytocin ( the bonding hormone). Raised heart beat is also associated with love, lust and passion. This combination is almost as lethal as drugs and alcohol to woo a woman. In the case of this particular lady, she has probably been misled by adrenalin and oxytocin.
According to Helen Fisher , biological anthropologist at Rutgers University , people in love often show the signs of surging dopamine: increased energy, less need for sleep or food, focused attention and exquisite delight in smallest details of this novel relationship, very similar to affects of cocaine. This power is enough to warp judgment in otherwise sensible people.
So it is not surprising that the lady in question feels completely smitten and all she can think of is an expected high!
On the flip side , if passionate romance is like a drug, as the MRI images suggest, then it's bound to lose its kick. Studies of dating and engaged couples find that feelings of passionate love and infatuation tend to fade quickly in the first year, and a year or two later often are all but gone. Seeing romance as a biologically based, drug-like state can at least provide some balm for a broken heart. Like a drug addict would tell you, "the highs don't last, but neither does the withdrawal. With time the craving and pain go away and the brain returns to normal."
So my advice would be to hold off on the urge for a while and see how she feels.
Also she could try and enlist support of friends and talk about her feelings. Even better than that would be for her to find someone who is going through some sort of challenge and offer her help and support to that person.
When we focus our attention on something beyond ourselves, our pains and desires become inconsequential. In this case, she is hurting and in pain because of unrequited love. According to Buddha, what ever we want in life we need to give that away. In this case, her love is not even considered sanctimonious so I doubt she will get any sympathy from her friends, but she could most certainly give love to those who are lonely. Especially at this time of the year, it could be an opportunity to spread good cheer.
In a nutshell, my advice- keep your heart open for love and give love away to all instead of focusing on this one person who is unavailable.
The repercussions of acting on her desires could be extremely painful for a lot of people involved. I am sure she would not want to be happy being the 5th wheel and I see no solution at this stage other than asking her to be open and loving towards herself and the world at large. ☺
Shveitta Sethi Sharma
Chief Happiness Officer
“ In Happiness”
Saturday, December 10, 2011
vedanta class recap 2
This was the fourth class where we were still being tested on our understanding of what is real vs unreal.
The real being the constant and the
unreal being the ever changing and fluctuating. The key is to identify what is real and what
is unreal and always associate with the real the constant that which is the
truth.
The students, one by one shared
their understanding of what they understood by what was real and what was
unreal. One student shared how her understanding and discernment of real vs
unreal had a rather beneficial effect on her and how she could step back and
become the witness to her life. Instead of reacting and seeing herself as the
victim, she could now step back and evaluate the situation and not allow the
situation to get bigger than her.
Another shared that she had always convinced
herself about her inability to give up smoking by believing that she was not smoking
in access so it was acceptable, moderation being the key! But as she was doing
the exercise she realized that these were all stories that she had made up to
convince herself about not giving up smoking.
Once she could identify that it
was her ego and the unreal part doing the convincing she realized that she was
doing it because it was more comfortable to stay with the habit rather than
make a change. According to her, the
real vs unreal exercise helped her to understand what emotions were real. She
shared that what is real is the inner calm that stays despite what happens on
the outside. If you can become the observer of your actions you can then
practice more awareness. When she used her discernment she could easily drop
the habit. However she did elaborate that it was not as simple as it sounds to
just stop smoking. She is still coming to terms with the situation as for very
long she had convinced herself that as long as she was not addicted, it was OK.
After all it was all about having a balanced life.
The next student shared how it is
our perceptions that distort our reality. It is our own perceptions and
opinions that colour our outlook, so when we see the world we see it according
to our own pre conceived ideas. She inquired as to how one can reach that place
of inner calm. It is of course very easy
to intellectualize and discuss these things in class but how does one really
reach that point when we can be calm and practice discernment?
Mala Ji, responded by saying that
as we progress and grow in our path of understanding the subtle differences
between what is real and what is not we will automatically be able to make
better choices. Our responses to the situation will change according to the
changes in us, elucidating that if in the past we reacted to a situation in a
certain way; that was because we were not aware of a different way, but with
the new understanding, our reaction to the same situation will be different.
She then went on to elaborate
that in a landscape of flux where the outside situation is changing and so is
our inner condition, what then is real? The student responded by saying that
what appears real in that situation is change. So the constant here is change.
The question then arose, can change be constant and can that be the truth? But
that which changes cannot be the truth, so what really is the truth. We know
that the truth exists and it does not exist in the change. So what is the
changeless principal?
Without the changeless principal
we cannot understand the truth. If the reality was flux, it would not appear as
flux to us. The only reason we are aware of the flux is because the truth of us
is changeless, implying that my inner condition is not the truth and the outer
condition is not the truth because they both change. We have chosen to identify ourselves with our
mind and our body and that is why the truth seems veiled to us. For example,
when we are in a dream the dream appears real and in deep sleep neither the
dream is real nor is the waking state real, so what is real?
We were asked to ponder on the
ambiguity that if waking world is not constant and neither is the sleep world
the constant then what is the constant?
The question we should all be
asking is what is constant in my life? What is that which never changes?
Our mind changes and so does the
outer situation so what really is constant? We do know that there has to be a
constant because without the constant change cannot be perceived
The problem we all face is that
our identification with what is real is flawed. We all have identified
ourselves with our bodies and our mind and we look for happiness in all the
wrong places.
Mala ji used the analogy of the
story of an old man who loses his house keys and is searching for them under a
lamppost. Soon a small crowd gathers around him in his search for the keys. After a futile search one person asks the old
man as to where did he lose the keys. The old man replies that he lost them in
the house. When asked, why then is he searching for them outside the house
under a lamp post, he responds by saying that the light here is better J
The message of the story being
that often we look for what we have lost ‘in most cases happiness, peace of
mind and the real meaning of truth ‘in the wrong place. How can we ever hope to find what we have lost
inside on the outside?
The question then went back to
what really is real? Is awareness real? Is awareness of a situation real?
Mala ji clarified that Awareness
per se is real but awareness of something is not real. When we say that we are
aware it does not mean the same as we are aware of? She went on to elaborate that it was similar
to meditation. When we are in a meditative state we are in awareness, but
meditation is not something we do. It’s not an activity it’s a way of being.
The conversation then moved to
another topic.
The question that was asked by
one of the students was how when one sees or notices a negative behavior/aspect
in another person and gets affected by it, is that a reflection of the same
behavior in one’s own self? The fact that we notice that particular behavior,
does that mean that we need to fix that in our own selves? Another person
interjected and said that the fact that a particular behavior upsets you may
mean that you have a memory of a similar negative behavior that affected you in
the past and that memory had been rekindled.
Mala, ji gave a wonderful example
to explain the behavior. She said that when our arm is hurt and someone comes
along and leans on it we will surely feel the pain but if our arm is not
wounded or hurt and someone leans on it we won’t feel the pain, implying that
only when we are sensitive towards a particular issue can we feel the pain due
to another person’s behavior. We only react when we are in pain because of a
previous injury. She further elaborated
that instead of confronting the antagonist, the better strategy would be to
heal the pain that is within us.
Going back to the example of the
hurting arm, she said would it not be better to apply ointment to our own
hurting arm instead of applying it on to the person who leans on us?
But this does not mean that every
time someone does something that upsets us, it is only to do with us. Yes it
may mean that we need to look into ourselves and identify what has triggered
that pain, but self-flagellation is not the answer either. Every time someone
does something to hurt us we cannot just go into a victim mode and say to
ourselves that there is something wrong in me that I need to fix.
Mala ji shared with us the
example of how India’s inward looking policy at times led to more harm than
good. For example, India never ever initiated an attack on any country and was
always subjected to attacks and subjugation by invading forces. India’s
inwardness in a way led to its constant subjugation.
At times it may be required of us
to stand back and fight. India should
have taken practical action, but it failed to do so.
Self-preservation demands that we
acknowledge and identify the right response/practical action to a particular
situation.
(
Practical action definition- acting spontaneously in the moment to what
the situation requires without a personal agenda)
Going back to the question of
what one should do if we perceive that another person has hurt us or is harming
us in some way.
Practical action requires us to
first look at what in us is causing the pain, next step is to forgive and get
the ego (the i-ness and my-ness) out of the way. The final step would then be
to engage in the right response.
In the previous lesson we were
made aware of the distinction between an emotional person who tends to be
reactive vs an intelligent person who makes a decision based on the knowledge
of the situation. We have learnt that the person who is causing us pain and
hurt is only doing so to alleviate some sort of pain and hurt in
himself/herself. Once we know this basic
fact we are then in a position to exercise discernment in our response. If the
practical action then requires us to confront, we may then do so with the full
awareness that it may or may not lead to the conclusion that we desire.
The right response will only come via the
right education and right education is that which is rooted in the correct
knowledge and has stood the test of time (in this case the study of Vedanta).
Taking ownership of our feelings
and our action and taking full responsibility of our own lives is the first
step towards spiritual growth and healing.
We need to give up the blame mentality and acknowledge that we are in
some way or another creating our life circumstances.
The discussion still stayed on
the topic of how to get over the pain and hurt caused by another. One student
shared that it was easy for her to forgive the person who caused the pain but
how could she get over the hurt and pain herself? How can she just forget the
pain and pretend that nothing had happened?
To this Mala ji responded by
going back to the same analogy of the hurting arm saying that pain only occurs
when there is a wound. If there was no wound, there would be no pain. Our main
focus therefore should be not on figuring out what caused the wound but how to
heal the wound. In order for emotional healing to take place we need to
consider very carefully what is the right thought, the right speech and the right
action? She suggested self-awareness
exercises, meditation and going to retreats in order for us to help heal the
mind, body and spirit.
The key message of the above
discussion was to understand that only a person coming from pain and misery
will cause pain. A person who is happy and satisfied will have no interest in
hurting another so anytime we feel wronged or hurt by another, instead of
passing judgment we need to understand that the person’s behavior is driven by
pain and deserves our compassion and not our wrath.
Although at times it may be
difficult for us to show compassion and kindness towards the person who we perceive
to be responsible for our pain, our main objective must be to heal our own
wounds. At times this may require a lot of soul searching and brutal honesty
towards the self in identifying what the real cause of our pain is. It may have
been something in our past or present, but that does not mean that we go into self-pity
and keep crying over old wounds. The whole idea behind personal spiritual
growth is for us to move to the next level of understanding and discernment.
We need to move away from the
blame mentality and take 100% responsibility of our own state of being and our
happiness. We are also not responsible
for someone else’s happiness. Often we feel extremely burdened by the
responsibility of ensuring another person’s happiness. Mala’ji reminded us that
there is no way that we can be responsible for someone else’s happiness. The
fact that they look towards us to for their happiness means that something in
their life is missing and they are looking on the outside for what they should
be finding inside.
This of course opened a can of
worms on the topic of responsibility and duty. One student shared her frustration
at her inability to really distinguish where her responsibility ended and her
own inner happiness took precedence.
Malaji asked the student to sit
in silence for 5 minutes every three hours if she really was serious about
knowing the answer.
This was a reminder to all of us
to look within our own heart and mind to find the answers to the most
perplexing questions, for what we search for on the outside actually is on the
inside.
The real being the constant and the
unreal being the ever changing and fluctuating. The key is to identify what is real and what
is unreal and always associate with the real the constant that which is the
truth.
The students, one by one shared
their understanding of what they understood by what was real and what was
unreal. One student shared how her understanding and discernment of real vs
unreal had a rather beneficial effect on her and how she could step back and
become the witness to her life. Instead of reacting and seeing herself as the
victim, she could now step back and evaluate the situation and not allow the
situation to get bigger than her.
Another shared that she had always convinced
herself about her inability to give up smoking by believing that she was not smoking
in access so it was acceptable, moderation being the key! But as she was doing
the exercise she realized that these were all stories that she had made up to
convince herself about not giving up smoking.
Once she could identify that it
was her ego and the unreal part doing the convincing she realized that she was
doing it because it was more comfortable to stay with the habit rather than
make a change. According to her, the
real vs unreal exercise helped her to understand what emotions were real. She
shared that what is real is the inner calm that stays despite what happens on
the outside. If you can become the observer of your actions you can then
practice more awareness. When she used her discernment she could easily drop
the habit. However she did elaborate that it was not as simple as it sounds to
just stop smoking. She is still coming to terms with the situation as for very
long she had convinced herself that as long as she was not addicted, it was OK.
After all it was all about having a balanced life.
The next student shared how it is
our perceptions that distort our reality. It is our own perceptions and
opinions that colour our outlook, so when we see the world we see it according
to our own pre conceived ideas. She inquired as to how one can reach that place
of inner calm. It is of course very easy
to intellectualize and discuss these things in class but how does one really
reach that point when we can be calm and practice discernment?
Mala Ji, responded by saying that
as we progress and grow in our path of understanding the subtle differences
between what is real and what is not we will automatically be able to make
better choices. Our responses to the situation will change according to the
changes in us, elucidating that if in the past we reacted to a situation in a
certain way; that was because we were not aware of a different way, but with
the new understanding, our reaction to the same situation will be different.
She then went on to elaborate
that in a landscape of flux where the outside situation is changing and so is
our inner condition, what then is real? The student responded by saying that
what appears real in that situation is change. So the constant here is change.
The question then arose, can change be constant and can that be the truth? But
that which changes cannot be the truth, so what really is the truth. We know
that the truth exists and it does not exist in the change. So what is the
changeless principal?
Without the changeless principal
we cannot understand the truth. If the reality was flux, it would not appear as
flux to us. The only reason we are aware of the flux is because the truth of us
is changeless, implying that my inner condition is not the truth and the outer
condition is not the truth because they both change. We have chosen to identify ourselves with our
mind and our body and that is why the truth seems veiled to us. For example,
when we are in a dream the dream appears real and in deep sleep neither the
dream is real nor is the waking state real, so what is real?
We were asked to ponder on the
ambiguity that if waking world is not constant and neither is the sleep world
the constant then what is the constant?
The question we should all be
asking is what is constant in my life? What is that which never changes?
Our mind changes and so does the
outer situation so what really is constant? We do know that there has to be a
constant because without the constant change cannot be perceived
The problem we all face is that
our identification with what is real is flawed. We all have identified
ourselves with our bodies and our mind and we look for happiness in all the
wrong places.
Mala ji used the analogy of the
story of an old man who loses his house keys and is searching for them under a
lamppost. Soon a small crowd gathers around him in his search for the keys. After a futile search one person asks the old
man as to where did he lose the keys. The old man replies that he lost them in
the house. When asked, why then is he searching for them outside the house
under a lamp post, he responds by saying that the light here is better J
The message of the story being
that often we look for what we have lost ‘in most cases happiness, peace of
mind and the real meaning of truth ‘in the wrong place. How can we ever hope to find what we have lost
inside on the outside?
The question then went back to
what really is real? Is awareness real? Is awareness of a situation real?
Mala ji clarified that Awareness
per se is real but awareness of something is not real. When we say that we are
aware it does not mean the same as we are aware of? She went on to elaborate that it was similar
to meditation. When we are in a meditative state we are in awareness, but
meditation is not something we do. It’s not an activity it’s a way of being.
The conversation then moved to
another topic.
The question that was asked by
one of the students was how when one sees or notices a negative behavior/aspect
in another person and gets affected by it, is that a reflection of the same
behavior in one’s own self? The fact that we notice that particular behavior,
does that mean that we need to fix that in our own selves? Another person
interjected and said that the fact that a particular behavior upsets you may
mean that you have a memory of a similar negative behavior that affected you in
the past and that memory had been rekindled.
Mala, ji gave a wonderful example
to explain the behavior. She said that when our arm is hurt and someone comes
along and leans on it we will surely feel the pain but if our arm is not
wounded or hurt and someone leans on it we won’t feel the pain, implying that
only when we are sensitive towards a particular issue can we feel the pain due
to another person’s behavior. We only react when we are in pain because of a
previous injury. She further elaborated
that instead of confronting the antagonist, the better strategy would be to
heal the pain that is within us.
Going back to the example of the
hurting arm, she said would it not be better to apply ointment to our own
hurting arm instead of applying it on to the person who leans on us?
But this does not mean that every
time someone does something that upsets us, it is only to do with us. Yes it
may mean that we need to look into ourselves and identify what has triggered
that pain, but self-flagellation is not the answer either. Every time someone
does something to hurt us we cannot just go into a victim mode and say to
ourselves that there is something wrong in me that I need to fix.
Mala ji shared with us the
example of how India’s inward looking policy at times led to more harm than
good. For example, India never ever initiated an attack on any country and was
always subjected to attacks and subjugation by invading forces. India’s
inwardness in a way led to its constant subjugation.
At times it may be required of us
to stand back and fight. India should
have taken practical action, but it failed to do so.
Self-preservation demands that we
acknowledge and identify the right response/practical action to a particular
situation.
(
Practical action definition- acting spontaneously in the moment to what
the situation requires without a personal agenda)
Going back to the question of
what one should do if we perceive that another person has hurt us or is harming
us in some way.
Practical action requires us to
first look at what in us is causing the pain, next step is to forgive and get
the ego (the i-ness and my-ness) out of the way. The final step would then be
to engage in the right response.
In the previous lesson we were
made aware of the distinction between an emotional person who tends to be
reactive vs an intelligent person who makes a decision based on the knowledge
of the situation. We have learnt that the person who is causing us pain and
hurt is only doing so to alleviate some sort of pain and hurt in
himself/herself. Once we know this basic
fact we are then in a position to exercise discernment in our response. If the
practical action then requires us to confront, we may then do so with the full
awareness that it may or may not lead to the conclusion that we desire.
The right response will only come via the
right education and right education is that which is rooted in the correct
knowledge and has stood the test of time (in this case the study of Vedanta).
Taking ownership of our feelings
and our action and taking full responsibility of our own lives is the first
step towards spiritual growth and healing.
We need to give up the blame mentality and acknowledge that we are in
some way or another creating our life circumstances.
The discussion still stayed on
the topic of how to get over the pain and hurt caused by another. One student
shared that it was easy for her to forgive the person who caused the pain but
how could she get over the hurt and pain herself? How can she just forget the
pain and pretend that nothing had happened?
To this Mala ji responded by
going back to the same analogy of the hurting arm saying that pain only occurs
when there is a wound. If there was no wound, there would be no pain. Our main
focus therefore should be not on figuring out what caused the wound but how to
heal the wound. In order for emotional healing to take place we need to
consider very carefully what is the right thought, the right speech and the right
action? She suggested self-awareness
exercises, meditation and going to retreats in order for us to help heal the
mind, body and spirit.
The key message of the above
discussion was to understand that only a person coming from pain and misery
will cause pain. A person who is happy and satisfied will have no interest in
hurting another so anytime we feel wronged or hurt by another, instead of
passing judgment we need to understand that the person’s behavior is driven by
pain and deserves our compassion and not our wrath.
Although at times it may be
difficult for us to show compassion and kindness towards the person who we perceive
to be responsible for our pain, our main objective must be to heal our own
wounds. At times this may require a lot of soul searching and brutal honesty
towards the self in identifying what the real cause of our pain is. It may have
been something in our past or present, but that does not mean that we go into self-pity
and keep crying over old wounds. The whole idea behind personal spiritual
growth is for us to move to the next level of understanding and discernment.
We need to move away from the
blame mentality and take 100% responsibility of our own state of being and our
happiness. We are also not responsible
for someone else’s happiness. Often we feel extremely burdened by the
responsibility of ensuring another person’s happiness. Mala’ji reminded us that
there is no way that we can be responsible for someone else’s happiness. The
fact that they look towards us to for their happiness means that something in
their life is missing and they are looking on the outside for what they should
be finding inside.
This of course opened a can of
worms on the topic of responsibility and duty. One student shared her frustration
at her inability to really distinguish where her responsibility ended and her
own inner happiness took precedence.
Malaji asked the student to sit
in silence for 5 minutes every three hours if she really was serious about
knowing the answer.
This was a reminder to all of us
to look within our own heart and mind to find the answers to the most
perplexing questions, for what we search for on the outside actually is on the
inside.
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