1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair
Dryer At Passing Cars.. See If They Slow Down..
2.. Page Yourself Over The Intercom.. Don't Disguise Your Voice..
3.. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with
that..
4.. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In"..
5.. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso..
6.. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"..
7.. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy"..
8.. Don't use any punctuation..
9.. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk..
10.. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face..
11.. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go"..
12.. Sing Along At The Opera..
13.. Go To A Poetry Recital.. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14.. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All
Day..
15.. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In the Mood..
16.. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom..
17.. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18.. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run
For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19.. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have
To Let One Of You Go.."
20.. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ....
Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile..>It's called................ Therapy
Friday, June 20, 2008
The placebo effect
The following is an excerpt from an article in the Nexus magazine
The Placebo Effect: The Triumph of Mind Over Body By Peter Arguriou
One of the most commonly used terms in medical language is the word placebo. The placebo effect is used as a scale for evaluating the effectiveness of new drugs.
But what exactly is the placebo effect.
The placebo effect has been frequently abused by health professionals to denote and stigmatise a fraud or fallacy. Alternative therapies have often been characterised as merely placebos. But the placebo effect is not a fraudulent, useless or malevolent phenomenon. It occurs independently of the intentions of charlatans or health professionals. It is a spontaneous, authentic and very factual phenomenon that refers to well-observed but uninterpreted and contingent therapies or health improvements that occur in the absence of an active chemical/pharmacological substance.
Make-believe drugs -- drugs that carry no active chemical substances -- often act as the real drugs and provoke therapeutic effects when administered to patients.
In many drug trials, the manufacturers of the drug sadly discover that their product is in no way superior to the effect of a placebo. But that does not mean that a placebo equates to a null response of the human organism.
On the contrary, a placebo denotes non-chemical stimuli that strongly motivate the organism towards a therapeutic course. That is, the placebo effect is dependent not on the drug's effectiveness but solely on therapeutic intention and expectation.
Effects of positive and negative thinkingThe placebo effect has been often misunderstood as a solely psychological and highly subjective phenomenon. The patient, convinced of the therapy's effectiveness, ignores his symptoms or perceives them faintly without any substantial improvement of his health; that is, the patient feels better but is not healthier.
But can the subjective psychological aspect of the placebo effect account for all of its therapeutic properties?
The answer is definite: the placebo effect refers to an alternative curative mechanism that is inherent in the human entity, is motivated by therapeutic intention or belief in the therapeutic potential of a treatment, and implies biochemical responses and reactions to the stimulus of therapeutic intention or belief.
But placebos are not always beneficial: they can also have adverse effects.
In a related experiment, researchers falsely declared to the volunteers that a weak electrical current would pass through their head; although there was no electrical current, 70 per cent of the volunteers (who were medical students) complained of a headache after the experiment.
Positive or negative thinking seems to be a decisive risk factor for every treatment, perhaps even more important than medical intervention.
*****************************************************************************
The above article implies that our brain is a much stronger healer than any medicine.
The other day I saw on TV an advertisment for placebo's. A mother entrepreneur is now selling dummy pills for children as she saw her own children responding to placebos. Instead of overmedicating her children she would give them sweet pills and tell them it was medicine. Every time she saw favorable results. She has her fair share of skeptics, but she is going ahead with her launch.
The proof is in the pudding ......The very fact that placebos are successful even 50% of the time is proof enough that the human mind is all powerful.
The Placebo Effect: The Triumph of Mind Over Body By Peter Arguriou
One of the most commonly used terms in medical language is the word placebo. The placebo effect is used as a scale for evaluating the effectiveness of new drugs.
But what exactly is the placebo effect.
The placebo effect has been frequently abused by health professionals to denote and stigmatise a fraud or fallacy. Alternative therapies have often been characterised as merely placebos. But the placebo effect is not a fraudulent, useless or malevolent phenomenon. It occurs independently of the intentions of charlatans or health professionals. It is a spontaneous, authentic and very factual phenomenon that refers to well-observed but uninterpreted and contingent therapies or health improvements that occur in the absence of an active chemical/pharmacological substance.
Make-believe drugs -- drugs that carry no active chemical substances -- often act as the real drugs and provoke therapeutic effects when administered to patients.
In many drug trials, the manufacturers of the drug sadly discover that their product is in no way superior to the effect of a placebo. But that does not mean that a placebo equates to a null response of the human organism.
On the contrary, a placebo denotes non-chemical stimuli that strongly motivate the organism towards a therapeutic course. That is, the placebo effect is dependent not on the drug's effectiveness but solely on therapeutic intention and expectation.
Effects of positive and negative thinkingThe placebo effect has been often misunderstood as a solely psychological and highly subjective phenomenon. The patient, convinced of the therapy's effectiveness, ignores his symptoms or perceives them faintly without any substantial improvement of his health; that is, the patient feels better but is not healthier.
But can the subjective psychological aspect of the placebo effect account for all of its therapeutic properties?
The answer is definite: the placebo effect refers to an alternative curative mechanism that is inherent in the human entity, is motivated by therapeutic intention or belief in the therapeutic potential of a treatment, and implies biochemical responses and reactions to the stimulus of therapeutic intention or belief.
But placebos are not always beneficial: they can also have adverse effects.
In a related experiment, researchers falsely declared to the volunteers that a weak electrical current would pass through their head; although there was no electrical current, 70 per cent of the volunteers (who were medical students) complained of a headache after the experiment.
Positive or negative thinking seems to be a decisive risk factor for every treatment, perhaps even more important than medical intervention.
*****************************************************************************
The above article implies that our brain is a much stronger healer than any medicine.
The other day I saw on TV an advertisment for placebo's. A mother entrepreneur is now selling dummy pills for children as she saw her own children responding to placebos. Instead of overmedicating her children she would give them sweet pills and tell them it was medicine. Every time she saw favorable results. She has her fair share of skeptics, but she is going ahead with her launch.
The proof is in the pudding ......The very fact that placebos are successful even 50% of the time is proof enough that the human mind is all powerful.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Appreciate!! (sent by a friend)
Appreciate
The aim of life is appreciation;
there is no sense in not appreciating things;
and there is no sense in having more
of them if you have less appreciation of them
Gilbert K Chesterton
Feeling grateful or appreciative of
someone or something in your life
actually attracts more of the things
that you appreciate and value into your life
Northrup Christiane
Appreciate the good things
The sunshine feels so much warmer
after weeks of rainy days
Your loved ones seem so much more
precious whenever they've been away
You truly appreciate and value your
good health after recovering from a
difficult and prolonged illness
You learn new respect for financial discipline
after working your way out of a burdensome debt
It's easy and natural to appreciate the good things
after you've experienced life without them
Yet sadly, that can often be too late
How much better it is to appreciate
the good things you have while you still have them
For then, not only can you appreciate them,
you can put them to positive and productive use
So begin each day by counting your many blessings
Pay particular attention to the ones that are so much
a part of you that you might otherwise take them for granted.
True abundance and gratitude are solidly linked
The more you appreciate the good things,
the more numerous they will be
Ralph Marston
Appreciative words are the most
powerful force for good on earth!
George W Crane
To appreciate heaven well,
it's good for a person to have
some fifteen minutes of hell
Will Carleton
~This posting created with love by~
AlwaysLove4U
The aim of life is appreciation;
there is no sense in not appreciating things;
and there is no sense in having more
of them if you have less appreciation of them
Gilbert K Chesterton
Feeling grateful or appreciative of
someone or something in your life
actually attracts more of the things
that you appreciate and value into your life
Northrup Christiane
Appreciate the good things
The sunshine feels so much warmer
after weeks of rainy days
Your loved ones seem so much more
precious whenever they've been away
You truly appreciate and value your
good health after recovering from a
difficult and prolonged illness
You learn new respect for financial discipline
after working your way out of a burdensome debt
It's easy and natural to appreciate the good things
after you've experienced life without them
Yet sadly, that can often be too late
How much better it is to appreciate
the good things you have while you still have them
For then, not only can you appreciate them,
you can put them to positive and productive use
So begin each day by counting your many blessings
Pay particular attention to the ones that are so much
a part of you that you might otherwise take them for granted.
True abundance and gratitude are solidly linked
The more you appreciate the good things,
the more numerous they will be
Ralph Marston
Appreciative words are the most
powerful force for good on earth!
George W Crane
To appreciate heaven well,
it's good for a person to have
some fifteen minutes of hell
Will Carleton
~This posting created with love by~
AlwaysLove4U
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Epicurean Pleasures
I think I was about 10 years old when I saw the word Epicurean. I had no clue what it meant, but I liked the sound of it. I underlined it and promised myself to refer to the dictionary and find its meaning. As any 10 year old, I forgot to do that as other more pressing things such as playing with friends took precedence.
After about a year I saw the book again and flipping through it, saw my underlined words, and Epicurean leapt right out at me. This time the dictionary was handy. It defined the word, Epicurean as ‘someone fond of luxury and sensuous pleasure, especially that of eating and drinking’. A follower of Epicurus or his philosophy.
Wow, now I really liked the word. I liked the sound of it and I liked the meaning of it. I decided to become an Epicurean. I still had no clue who Epicurus was and what his philosophy was? But I liked the fact that he liked drinking, eating and having fun. This became my mantra. “Eat Drink and be Merry”. Whenever my mother summoned me to do homework, I would say, “Mum don’t you know that the great Greek philosopher Epicurus has found the elixir of happiness to be food, drink and fun”. My argument never did hold ground and I still had to do my homework….
How grateful I am to my mother, that she did not let me indulge in my Epicurean pleasures and forced me to go and do my homework. Had it not been for her, I would not be here sharing my real Epicurean insights with you.
Epicurus (341-270BC) was born to a poor Athenian colonist in Samos; he was neither wealthy nor aristocratic and apparently suffered from ill health for much of his life. He ate and drank sparingly and spent most of his time philosophizing from his hammock. The humble, quite and reticent Epicurus would be distraught at the connotation that his name suggests.
Epicurus was not a man of spiritual beliefs. He led a contemplative life and was extremely rational. He believed in the idea that the soul was itself nothing but the movement of atoms in the material body and some atoms could freely swerve in the void. This theory of his allowed him to maintain the concept of human free will.
The religious leaders of the day did not like the idea of human free will and thought that his philosophy was tainted with atheism and thereby preached hedonism and pleasure. Lack of religiosity and his defiance to gods who he felt were more interested in the pursuit of their own pleasure made his teachings rather contradictory.
According to Epicurus, real happiness lies in the elimination of pain, both mental and physical. Of the two, Epicurus taught that mental pain was worse than physical pain as the severest of physical pains can either be controlled or it results in death. Mental anguish on the other hand, in the form of anxiety and fears, if not checked would result in distraction, depression and other psychological ills.
He never promoted or condoned a promiscuous or a decadent lifestyle, on the contrary he was aware that many of the bodily pleasures brought with them pain or had painful consequences. (Think hang over, broken hearts, upset stomach!!!!)
What really is Epicurus’es Philosophy of Happiness?
As mentioned by Alain-De Botton (a modern day Philosopher), it is friends, freedom and an analyzed life. Although Epicurus did promote the pursuit of pleasure, but pleasure according to him was moderation, introspection and the avoidance of pain.
In his introduction to The Epicurus Reader, D. S. Hutchinson summed up the on-going significance of Epicureanism:
“Epicurus developed a system of philosophy and a way of living that deserve our respect and understanding, perhaps even our allegiance. This way of living claimed many thousands of committed followers, all over the ancient Mediterranean world, in cooperative communities that lasted for hundreds of years. But from the very beginning of his teaching mission, his message was opposed and distorted, first by academic philosophers and political authorities, and later by Christians. Epicureans apparently almost never switched their allegiance to other philosophical systems, whereas other schools regularly lost students to the Epicureans. Why? Perhaps because the Epicureans found that their system made excellent sense. But the explanation offered by Arcesilaus, Epicurus' rival, is typically dismissive: ‘You can turn a man into a eunuch, but you can't turn a eunuch into a man.’ Even in modern times, the critics of Epicureanism continue to misrepresent it as a lazy-minded, shallow, pleasure-loving, immoral, or godless travesty of real philosophy. In our day the word ‘epicureanism’ has come to mean its opposite—a pretentious enthusiasm for rare and expensive food and drink. Please have the courage to ignore two thousand years of negative prejudice, and assess this philosophy on its own considerable merits.”
So if you really want to be happy- go out with some friends, have a simple meal with moderate amounts of wine and discuss the various ways to make this world a better place.
So has my Epicurean dream of self indulgence been shattered?
Not at all! In fact now that I understand the real meaning of being an Epicurean, I am even more proud to be one.
By all means go and pursue pleasure, but before that, at least try and understand what real pleasure is?
Luv/luck/happiness
If you really want to know more about Epicurean Philosophy, please visit www.epicurus.net)
After about a year I saw the book again and flipping through it, saw my underlined words, and Epicurean leapt right out at me. This time the dictionary was handy. It defined the word, Epicurean as ‘someone fond of luxury and sensuous pleasure, especially that of eating and drinking’. A follower of Epicurus or his philosophy.
Wow, now I really liked the word. I liked the sound of it and I liked the meaning of it. I decided to become an Epicurean. I still had no clue who Epicurus was and what his philosophy was? But I liked the fact that he liked drinking, eating and having fun. This became my mantra. “Eat Drink and be Merry”. Whenever my mother summoned me to do homework, I would say, “Mum don’t you know that the great Greek philosopher Epicurus has found the elixir of happiness to be food, drink and fun”. My argument never did hold ground and I still had to do my homework….
How grateful I am to my mother, that she did not let me indulge in my Epicurean pleasures and forced me to go and do my homework. Had it not been for her, I would not be here sharing my real Epicurean insights with you.
Epicurus (341-270BC) was born to a poor Athenian colonist in Samos; he was neither wealthy nor aristocratic and apparently suffered from ill health for much of his life. He ate and drank sparingly and spent most of his time philosophizing from his hammock. The humble, quite and reticent Epicurus would be distraught at the connotation that his name suggests.
Epicurus was not a man of spiritual beliefs. He led a contemplative life and was extremely rational. He believed in the idea that the soul was itself nothing but the movement of atoms in the material body and some atoms could freely swerve in the void. This theory of his allowed him to maintain the concept of human free will.
The religious leaders of the day did not like the idea of human free will and thought that his philosophy was tainted with atheism and thereby preached hedonism and pleasure. Lack of religiosity and his defiance to gods who he felt were more interested in the pursuit of their own pleasure made his teachings rather contradictory.
According to Epicurus, real happiness lies in the elimination of pain, both mental and physical. Of the two, Epicurus taught that mental pain was worse than physical pain as the severest of physical pains can either be controlled or it results in death. Mental anguish on the other hand, in the form of anxiety and fears, if not checked would result in distraction, depression and other psychological ills.
He never promoted or condoned a promiscuous or a decadent lifestyle, on the contrary he was aware that many of the bodily pleasures brought with them pain or had painful consequences. (Think hang over, broken hearts, upset stomach!!!!)
What really is Epicurus’es Philosophy of Happiness?
As mentioned by Alain-De Botton (a modern day Philosopher), it is friends, freedom and an analyzed life. Although Epicurus did promote the pursuit of pleasure, but pleasure according to him was moderation, introspection and the avoidance of pain.
In his introduction to The Epicurus Reader, D. S. Hutchinson summed up the on-going significance of Epicureanism:
“Epicurus developed a system of philosophy and a way of living that deserve our respect and understanding, perhaps even our allegiance. This way of living claimed many thousands of committed followers, all over the ancient Mediterranean world, in cooperative communities that lasted for hundreds of years. But from the very beginning of his teaching mission, his message was opposed and distorted, first by academic philosophers and political authorities, and later by Christians. Epicureans apparently almost never switched their allegiance to other philosophical systems, whereas other schools regularly lost students to the Epicureans. Why? Perhaps because the Epicureans found that their system made excellent sense. But the explanation offered by Arcesilaus, Epicurus' rival, is typically dismissive: ‘You can turn a man into a eunuch, but you can't turn a eunuch into a man.’ Even in modern times, the critics of Epicureanism continue to misrepresent it as a lazy-minded, shallow, pleasure-loving, immoral, or godless travesty of real philosophy. In our day the word ‘epicureanism’ has come to mean its opposite—a pretentious enthusiasm for rare and expensive food and drink. Please have the courage to ignore two thousand years of negative prejudice, and assess this philosophy on its own considerable merits.”
So if you really want to be happy- go out with some friends, have a simple meal with moderate amounts of wine and discuss the various ways to make this world a better place.
So has my Epicurean dream of self indulgence been shattered?
Not at all! In fact now that I understand the real meaning of being an Epicurean, I am even more proud to be one.
By all means go and pursue pleasure, but before that, at least try and understand what real pleasure is?
Luv/luck/happiness
If you really want to know more about Epicurean Philosophy, please visit www.epicurus.net)
Monday, June 16, 2008
Self Deprecation
Why, when someone gives us a compliment do we try to dilute its intensity and beauty by offering a counter statement. We start to justify our good fortune by denying any self effort, even though on the inside we know that it was our hard work and our sheer persistence that brought about the desired result. Why then this unease when we should be proud of our achievements?
I recently met a very attractive and talented Thai lady who works part time at my daughter’s school. Her job is to make sure that no body leaves the school gates or gets hurt during lunch time. It’s not a challenging job, but keeps her busy. We got chatting and I asked her why she did not apply for a better position in the school. She immediately started to run herself down, talking about her poor command of the English language. Her lack of education, her lack of confidence, her lack of self esteem and everything else that she could think of that would disqualify her from getting a better position. Not once did she say anything that was self promoting.
My mother was the same; she would constantly berate herself and even consider herself incapable of learning. She was afraid to try anything new because she was convinced she would fail. In my mother’s case, it was her parents who always told her how incapable she was. She was made to believe that she was good for nothing and anything that she did was not worth kudos. It really was not even my grandparents fault; it was just the way they had been brought up. Open affection and open praise were considered to be a signs of weakness. The prevailing notion of those days was the use of negative reinforcement to achieve desired behavior, so instead of praise one was always belittled and in some perverse and twisted way encouraged to perform better.
This erstwhile way of upbringing seems to have left indelible marks on our psyche. Although today, open praise, affection, self love and appreciation are encouraged, I am amazed to find so many people who constantly run themselves down.
Another friend of mine, who is extremely attractive, but considers herself to be a bit on the plus side, immediately, starts to talk about her weight and how she has put on a few extra pounds. When I met her recently and complimented her on how good she looked, she immediately went into denial by commenting on how fat she had become and how terrible she looked. My compliment was genuine, and her denial at the acceptance of the compliment was equally genuine.
All of us at some time or other have been guilty of self flagellation and self deprecation. A few months ago I too fell into the same trap. I had gained a few pounds and as soon as I would meet someone I had not met for a while, I would immediately comment on my weight gain and start to berate myself for having indulged in my epicurean desires. Before they could have a chance to comment on how I looked, I would go into this mode whereby I would start to make fun of myself and my body.
Why do we constantly berate ourselves? Why do we find it so hard to receive compliments? Why are we so judgmental of ourselves?
I think it’s in self defense, or a sub conscious desire for acceptance in the way that our friends will say that our negative image is just in our heads and that we are not really that fat or ugly or stupid. I’d rather call myself stupid and fat before someone else does!!
Most of us have grown up thinking self deprecation is a healthy way of accepting ourselves and subconsciously it has been drilled in our heads that it is better to be humble than to be arrogant. Humility is a wonderful quality, but humility does not need to translate into self flagellation and self deprecation. Why then this negative self talk and self abuse.
It has now been proven scientifically that we are the product of our most dominant thought. Just as music from the radio is a physical manifestation of an intangible signal, our physical being is the tangible reality of our thoughts. Our thoughts and emotions have a vibratory frequency and that frequency shapes our reality.
Constant self deprecation, whether in jest or in sincerity eventually creates our reality. Our subconscious registers even what our conscious brain rejects or denies, so when we say that we are fat and stupid, in jest and in a way to elicit a positive response from our friends, our subconscious registers that as the truth and makes it our reality.
By no means am I saying that we should walk around claiming how wonderful, beautiful and intelligent we are. Our collective consciousness has been so methodically hypnotized into believing that self deprecation is better than self promotion that when we meet someone who is confident and sure we immediately label them as cocky, arrogant and full of themselves.
The world at large always makes us feel small, so why do we need to make ourselves even smaller. If not in public at least in private make it a habit of praising yourself, your body and your intelligence for having supported you this far.
Yes, humility is a wonderful quality and we should all adhere to it, but humility definitely does not have to regress into self abuse. Being humble means accepting of our limitations, not enhancing or promoting them.
Next time, try and observe how many times you say something negative about yourself? Put away a dollar for every time you say something negative or uncomplimentary about yourself or your situation, I can bet you will have enough money collected for a movie and dinner! Mine was more than enough!!
Science is now able to even prove that our emotions and feelings directly affect the structure of our DNA, so the more negative your self-image and your image of the world, your DNA will configure itself in such a way that it will reinforce that particular self belief.
Ever notice how lucky people always seem to attract good luck and vice versa. A lucky person believes himself or herself to be lucky and thereby attracts even more good luck because of the vibratory frequency that he/she is emanating and on the other hand a person who deems himself/herself to be unlucky vibrates to a lower frequency and attracts similar circumstances.
So starting today; make a promise to yourself that you will rise in love and humility and not stoop in fear and self deprecation.
Luv/luck/happiness
Monday, May 19, 2008
Does Happiness rub off? Can it be transfused from one to the other? Can simply sitting next to Mr. Happy make me the happiest woman on the plane?
I had just attended a three day convention in Sydney on “Happiness and its causes”. I was pretty much saturated with my quota of happiness as I’d had the wonderful opportunity to hear some of the present day great minds like Dr. Richard Davidson- Vilas Professor of Psychology and psychiatry - University of Wisconsin- USA, Matthieu Ricard- Bestselling Author and interpreter for Dalai Lama, also titled the happiest man today, Dr. Martin Seligman- Father of positive Psychology and also a bestselling author of books like Learned Optimism, Authentic happiness, Dr, Tal Ben -Shahar - bestselling author of Happier and the most popular lecturer at Harvard University, Prof Daniel Gilbert- Professor of psychology Harvard University, Jon Konrads, Olympic Champion swimmer and many others.
My brain and my work book were full of all the tools needed to lead a fulfilling and a happy life. I was reminiscing about my three day happiness workshop and checking in for my flight back to HKG from Sydney. As I am checking in I spot Mr. Happy , the familiar face in orange and maroon robe walking away from the check in counter. I quickly ask Sue- the check in lady at Cathay Pacific if Matthieu Ricard had checked in for the same flight? She responds in the affirmative and I quickly ask if I can have the seat next to him?
Unfortunately the seat next to him is taken, so she does the next best thing, she gives me a seat and blocks the seat next to me so that if I get a chance I can ask him to sit next to me. I am very happy indeed! The prospect of sitting next to Mr. Happy for 8 to 9 hours is something that made me extremely happy !!!
I quickly go through immigration and wait for Mr. Happy to show up. As he approaches the aircraft gate, I casually walk towards him to introduce myself, but to my surprise and happiness he actually recognizes me and agrees to sit next to me for the duration of the flight.
Wow! I was in heaven, People had to wait in line just to have a few words with him at the seminar and here I was, going to sit next to him for a full 9 hours. My brain went into overdrive. I could not contain my excitement and I think it spilled over and I was so obviously smitten that Matthieu quickly told me that he would sleep for a few hours and work and meditate for a couple and in between try and answer my questions .
I had to contend with what was on offer. Anything would be better than nothing? I quickly pretended to busy myself with reading and writing about my experience at the “happiness seminar”. I think years of meditation practice had made Matthieu some kind of mind reader. He quickly gathered that I was in an extremely inquisitive state and agreed to answer any questions that I may have.
My first question to him was the most obvious, I asked him what he meant by happiness?
His response in his own writing ( I have it in my book). “Happiness is not simply a succession of pleasant experiences . It is an exceptionally healthy way of being, which pervades all emotional states and gives you the resources to deal with whatever comes your way. Genuine happiness or well being is made of a cluster of inner qualities such as altruistic love; compassion; inner freedom; inner peace and inner strength; that can be cultivated as skills. Rather than being vulnerable to outer circumstances, these qualities give you the capacity to deal with them even in the face of sad events, of the suffering of others, a sense of meaning , determination and the wish to be alive which all are a part of the deepest respect of a constructive way of being. The mind is malleable, Our life can be greatly transformed by even a minimal change in how we manage our thoughts and perceive and interpret the world. Happiness is a skill. It requires effort and time."
Am I glad he wrote the above and not just say it? There is no way I could have remembered all this to put it down during my writing. Now that I read it, it seems far too complicated for a philistine like me. In a nut shell, I think what he is saying is, that to be happy, we need to be kind, compassionate , altruistic and not confuse momentary pleasure with lasting happiness. Our brain is very malleable and with a little practice and effort we can all choose happiness over misery.
He is a living proof of all the above qualities. As a young man, Matthieu Ricard, was regarded as one of the most promising biologists of his generation. He completed a PhD at the Institut Pasteur under the supervision of Nobel prize-winner François Jacob, but abandoned his scientific career in 1972. He told me that at age 20 he started getting interested in different kinds of meditation and decided to go to Darjeeling in India. There, he devoted himself to studying under Kangyur Rinpoche, a Tibetan master in the Nyingma tradition: the most ancient school of Buddhism. Then at the age of 26 he decided to become a monk and has since devoted his life for all sorts of altruistic causes.
He was leading a very simple life when he was approached by a publisher who asked him if he would agree to a book which would involve a dialogue between him and his agnostic father who was also renowned philosopher. The book got written and published under the title of “ The Monk and the Philosopher”. It became a huge success and overnight Mattheiu Ricard became a very public figure . There was huge media coverage and suddenly the reclusive monk had become a celebrity. This new found fame however reinforced his view of the transitory nature of fame and the ephemeralness of being a celebrant. His overnight success left him even more convinced that inner happiness lay in keeping the mind calm and not letting it get affected by outward fame and fortune.
He received over a million dollars in book royalty and since he had agreed to the vows of monk hood he did the best thing he could think of with the money. He started a foundation called Karuna – that carries out humanitarian and educational projects in Asia. He now devotes a lot of his time raising awareness towards happiness and the plight of people in Tibet, Nepal and India. He has a fair share of skeptics , but I was definitely not one of them. Ever since I had heard him speak on TED.com, I had become a fan and a believer in happiness being a skill and a habit.
Given this wonderful opportunity , I was not going to let it pass me by.
My next question to him was regarding having negative or fearful thoughts about your loved ones. I had been experiencing a horrible feeling whereby I would imagine all kind of horrible things happening to my child. I was getting extremely upset and worked up about these thoughts. I put forward my concern and he gave me a wonderful exercise to get rid of these thoughts. But before that he had already put me at ease by saying that I was not alone in this kind of thinking and that many parents experienced this kind of dreadful thoughts and that it was a fairly common phenomenon.
He asked me to do the following meditation exercise:
Begin by generating a powerful feeling of warmth, loving –kindness for all beings. Then imagine the negative thoughts as a black ball in your hand, let this ball grow with all the negativity and the pain associated with your feelings. Inhale this black ball but at the same time visualize your heart as a bright luminous sphere of light that will dissolve all the blackness associated with the negativity. Imagine that you are taking in all the fear and the hurt of the your loved ones and giving out loving and positive energy. This will transform all the fear into hope and suffering into rejoicing . We can do this exercise regularly , even for the world at large. To this my immediate response was, why would I like to take on the suffering of the world? His response- You are not taking upon yourself the suffering, but helping to dissipate the suffering by generating positive energy. It’s like adding one pinch of salt into a huge bucket of water. Even though we add the salt, the water does not really change as the amount of salt is negligible compared to the amount of water. We have to imagine our hearts as huge containers of love and compassion that will easily be able to dissolve in any kind of ill feeling. The bigger we allow our hearts to be the bigger we will become. This meditation is called the meditation of “Giving and taking” you are taking in the suffering and giving out blessings, but in the taking of suffering you are actually getting a whole lot of blessings. Sounds like a paradox ,doesn’t it? But I guess he knows what he is talking about. After all, clinical tests have proven that he is the happiest and the most compassionate man alive.
My next question to him was If he did any kind of exercise ? After all there is proof that a healthy mind needs a healthy body.
His response did not shock me. Here was a man who had meditated over 100,000 hours and had done over 1000,000 prostrations.
In a Prostration you bring your hands together in the 'lotus bud' mudra (the base of the palm and the fingertips together, and thumbs slightly tucked in) and place them on the crown of the head, then to the throat and heart. The actual prostration is performed by dropping the body forward and stretching it full length on the floor, the arms outstretched in front.... Again, with hands in the lotus bud mudra, bend your arms back and touch your hands to the top of your head. Then stretch your arms out once more and push yourself up.... Bring your hands into the lotus bud mudra for the third time and touch your heart in a gesture of reverence. Then, with a smooth motion, bring your hands to your crown and perform the next prostration…..”
It sounds difficult and it looks difficult , but apparently once you start it becomes easier ( as does everything in life). Prostrations are seen as a means of purifying one’s body, speech and mind of karmic defilements . The 5 fingers represent the purification of 5 mental prisons of hatred, craving, ignorance, arrogance and jealousy.
To bow is a way of learning humility and when we are humble, our mind is empty and so we can awaken the Buddha Nature within us.
As I mentioned before, good for the mind- good for the body! Have you ever seen a fat Buddhist monk? Try doing even one prostration and you will know what I mean. It gives the tightest abdominal muscles ever seen and along with that add the control of the breathing and you will be smiling all the way to the swimming pool showing of the perfect body holding the perfect mind!!
For those of you who want to learn, Go to you tube and search Buddhist Prostration.
My trip was going extremely well. It was the most informative and enlightening trip, but the question was would I be a happier person tomorrow? Would sitting next to the happiest man rub off on to me and lead me down the road to life of bliss and fulfillment? Would I suddenly wake up and find the world a beautiful place devoid of pain and suffering? Possibly not, but then it is not about changing the world, it is all about changing our perspective of the world. According to Mr. Happy we incur suffering but we create unhappiness. Changing the way we think and experience emotions leads to a change in moods and to lasting transformation. But this does not happen overnight. I will most certainly not become Miss Happy, but with regular practice and concerted effort it would be more than a possibility.
After all I had spent the last three days in the company of some extremely enlightened and happy individuals. There were definitely some things I should have gathered from my immersion in Happiness and it causes. So in a nutshell: The pre requisites to Happiness
Be kind and generous: even to those you think do not deserve your kindness and generosity. According to Tenzin Palmo – Founder of Dongyu Gatsai Ling Nunnery, India – It is very easy for us to be kind and loving towards a kind and loving person, but the true test of kindness and generosity is when we love those we think are unlovable!!!
Spend Time with Nature: Go for long walks, either in the hills or by the ocean, into the wilderness or wherever you will be one with nature. Nature in its entirety is free for all and it makes us realize that the best things in life are free. The air that we breathe, the scenery that we take in the sunsets and the sunrise are all there for us to partake.
Exercise at least 5 times a week: According to Tal Ben Shahar , a study conducted on depressed people found out that the most beneficial antidote for depression was exerise. Infact he even went on to say that not exercising was like taking a daily depressant. So get your running shoes out and get on that tread mill or if you want to kill two birds with one stone, go for a run in the park.
Show Gratitude and write every night 5 things that you are grateful for: One of the simplest and yet the most beneficial exercise towards happiness is that of writing a gratitude journal . Most of the speakers at the convention talked about the benefits of gratitude. If we are grateful for what we have, we are given more reasons to be grateful for. So go get your pens and note books out and start writing how grateful you are for having a friend like me!!!!!
Practice altruism and unconditional love: The other most talked about topic towards attaining bliss and happiness is the practice of altruism. Altruism does not necessarily mean giving money to charity. Sometimes it is more about sharing your love and kindness. Sharing a skill that you may have? Sharing a smile with a stranger, helping someone without an expectation of returned favor. Sharing your time and your happiness can also be viewed as an act of altruism.
Start meditation practice: Apparently one needs to practice meditation for over 100,000 hours to reach a state of bliss and happiness. But it has been proven in the laboratory that even starting with 5-15 minutes a day has a discernible effect on the cortex of the brain and leads to happier, more productive and more fulfilling lives.
Listen to soothing music: There is after all some truth in the Mozart effect. Calm soothing music is associated with the same kind of brain activity as meditation but at a much smaller scale. So although meditation is the best exercise for the brain, practicing mindfulness in all that we do and listening to calm and soothing music plays has an uplifting effect on the brain.
Start focusing on the good in people : The more we focus on the good in people the more we find it. It is true that till we start looking for something we will definitely not find it. Every so often we are so engrossed in our lives that we fail to appreciate the people around us. Take a moment to appreciate each other and revel in each other goodness.
Start or join a laughter club: We all know that laughter makes us feel good. A regular 20 minute laughter session can have a profound impact on our health and wellbeing. Laughter is gentle exercise. It fills your lungs and body with oxygen, deep-clears your breathing passages and exercises your lungs. When we laugh our bodies release a cocktail of hormones & chemicals that have startling positive effects on our system. Stress is reduced, blood pressure drops, depression is lifted, your immune system is boosted & more. So go out and start laughing your head off.
So , thanks to Mr. Happy I hope I have been able to point you towards some happiness .
Love/luck/happines.
I had just attended a three day convention in Sydney on “Happiness and its causes”. I was pretty much saturated with my quota of happiness as I’d had the wonderful opportunity to hear some of the present day great minds like Dr. Richard Davidson- Vilas Professor of Psychology and psychiatry - University of Wisconsin- USA, Matthieu Ricard- Bestselling Author and interpreter for Dalai Lama, also titled the happiest man today, Dr. Martin Seligman- Father of positive Psychology and also a bestselling author of books like Learned Optimism, Authentic happiness, Dr, Tal Ben -Shahar - bestselling author of Happier and the most popular lecturer at Harvard University, Prof Daniel Gilbert- Professor of psychology Harvard University, Jon Konrads, Olympic Champion swimmer and many others.
My brain and my work book were full of all the tools needed to lead a fulfilling and a happy life. I was reminiscing about my three day happiness workshop and checking in for my flight back to HKG from Sydney. As I am checking in I spot Mr. Happy , the familiar face in orange and maroon robe walking away from the check in counter. I quickly ask Sue- the check in lady at Cathay Pacific if Matthieu Ricard had checked in for the same flight? She responds in the affirmative and I quickly ask if I can have the seat next to him?
Unfortunately the seat next to him is taken, so she does the next best thing, she gives me a seat and blocks the seat next to me so that if I get a chance I can ask him to sit next to me. I am very happy indeed! The prospect of sitting next to Mr. Happy for 8 to 9 hours is something that made me extremely happy !!!
I quickly go through immigration and wait for Mr. Happy to show up. As he approaches the aircraft gate, I casually walk towards him to introduce myself, but to my surprise and happiness he actually recognizes me and agrees to sit next to me for the duration of the flight.
Wow! I was in heaven, People had to wait in line just to have a few words with him at the seminar and here I was, going to sit next to him for a full 9 hours. My brain went into overdrive. I could not contain my excitement and I think it spilled over and I was so obviously smitten that Matthieu quickly told me that he would sleep for a few hours and work and meditate for a couple and in between try and answer my questions .
I had to contend with what was on offer. Anything would be better than nothing? I quickly pretended to busy myself with reading and writing about my experience at the “happiness seminar”. I think years of meditation practice had made Matthieu some kind of mind reader. He quickly gathered that I was in an extremely inquisitive state and agreed to answer any questions that I may have.
My first question to him was the most obvious, I asked him what he meant by happiness?
His response in his own writing ( I have it in my book). “Happiness is not simply a succession of pleasant experiences . It is an exceptionally healthy way of being, which pervades all emotional states and gives you the resources to deal with whatever comes your way. Genuine happiness or well being is made of a cluster of inner qualities such as altruistic love; compassion; inner freedom; inner peace and inner strength; that can be cultivated as skills. Rather than being vulnerable to outer circumstances, these qualities give you the capacity to deal with them even in the face of sad events, of the suffering of others, a sense of meaning , determination and the wish to be alive which all are a part of the deepest respect of a constructive way of being. The mind is malleable, Our life can be greatly transformed by even a minimal change in how we manage our thoughts and perceive and interpret the world. Happiness is a skill. It requires effort and time."
Am I glad he wrote the above and not just say it? There is no way I could have remembered all this to put it down during my writing. Now that I read it, it seems far too complicated for a philistine like me. In a nut shell, I think what he is saying is, that to be happy, we need to be kind, compassionate , altruistic and not confuse momentary pleasure with lasting happiness. Our brain is very malleable and with a little practice and effort we can all choose happiness over misery.
He is a living proof of all the above qualities. As a young man, Matthieu Ricard, was regarded as one of the most promising biologists of his generation. He completed a PhD at the Institut Pasteur under the supervision of Nobel prize-winner François Jacob, but abandoned his scientific career in 1972. He told me that at age 20 he started getting interested in different kinds of meditation and decided to go to Darjeeling in India. There, he devoted himself to studying under Kangyur Rinpoche, a Tibetan master in the Nyingma tradition: the most ancient school of Buddhism. Then at the age of 26 he decided to become a monk and has since devoted his life for all sorts of altruistic causes.
He was leading a very simple life when he was approached by a publisher who asked him if he would agree to a book which would involve a dialogue between him and his agnostic father who was also renowned philosopher. The book got written and published under the title of “ The Monk and the Philosopher”. It became a huge success and overnight Mattheiu Ricard became a very public figure . There was huge media coverage and suddenly the reclusive monk had become a celebrity. This new found fame however reinforced his view of the transitory nature of fame and the ephemeralness of being a celebrant. His overnight success left him even more convinced that inner happiness lay in keeping the mind calm and not letting it get affected by outward fame and fortune.
He received over a million dollars in book royalty and since he had agreed to the vows of monk hood he did the best thing he could think of with the money. He started a foundation called Karuna – that carries out humanitarian and educational projects in Asia. He now devotes a lot of his time raising awareness towards happiness and the plight of people in Tibet, Nepal and India. He has a fair share of skeptics , but I was definitely not one of them. Ever since I had heard him speak on TED.com, I had become a fan and a believer in happiness being a skill and a habit.
Given this wonderful opportunity , I was not going to let it pass me by.
My next question to him was regarding having negative or fearful thoughts about your loved ones. I had been experiencing a horrible feeling whereby I would imagine all kind of horrible things happening to my child. I was getting extremely upset and worked up about these thoughts. I put forward my concern and he gave me a wonderful exercise to get rid of these thoughts. But before that he had already put me at ease by saying that I was not alone in this kind of thinking and that many parents experienced this kind of dreadful thoughts and that it was a fairly common phenomenon.
He asked me to do the following meditation exercise:
Begin by generating a powerful feeling of warmth, loving –kindness for all beings. Then imagine the negative thoughts as a black ball in your hand, let this ball grow with all the negativity and the pain associated with your feelings. Inhale this black ball but at the same time visualize your heart as a bright luminous sphere of light that will dissolve all the blackness associated with the negativity. Imagine that you are taking in all the fear and the hurt of the your loved ones and giving out loving and positive energy. This will transform all the fear into hope and suffering into rejoicing . We can do this exercise regularly , even for the world at large. To this my immediate response was, why would I like to take on the suffering of the world? His response- You are not taking upon yourself the suffering, but helping to dissipate the suffering by generating positive energy. It’s like adding one pinch of salt into a huge bucket of water. Even though we add the salt, the water does not really change as the amount of salt is negligible compared to the amount of water. We have to imagine our hearts as huge containers of love and compassion that will easily be able to dissolve in any kind of ill feeling. The bigger we allow our hearts to be the bigger we will become. This meditation is called the meditation of “Giving and taking” you are taking in the suffering and giving out blessings, but in the taking of suffering you are actually getting a whole lot of blessings. Sounds like a paradox ,doesn’t it? But I guess he knows what he is talking about. After all, clinical tests have proven that he is the happiest and the most compassionate man alive.
My next question to him was If he did any kind of exercise ? After all there is proof that a healthy mind needs a healthy body.
His response did not shock me. Here was a man who had meditated over 100,000 hours and had done over 1000,000 prostrations.
In a Prostration you bring your hands together in the 'lotus bud' mudra (the base of the palm and the fingertips together, and thumbs slightly tucked in) and place them on the crown of the head, then to the throat and heart. The actual prostration is performed by dropping the body forward and stretching it full length on the floor, the arms outstretched in front.... Again, with hands in the lotus bud mudra, bend your arms back and touch your hands to the top of your head. Then stretch your arms out once more and push yourself up.... Bring your hands into the lotus bud mudra for the third time and touch your heart in a gesture of reverence. Then, with a smooth motion, bring your hands to your crown and perform the next prostration…..”
It sounds difficult and it looks difficult , but apparently once you start it becomes easier ( as does everything in life). Prostrations are seen as a means of purifying one’s body, speech and mind of karmic defilements . The 5 fingers represent the purification of 5 mental prisons of hatred, craving, ignorance, arrogance and jealousy.
To bow is a way of learning humility and when we are humble, our mind is empty and so we can awaken the Buddha Nature within us.
As I mentioned before, good for the mind- good for the body! Have you ever seen a fat Buddhist monk? Try doing even one prostration and you will know what I mean. It gives the tightest abdominal muscles ever seen and along with that add the control of the breathing and you will be smiling all the way to the swimming pool showing of the perfect body holding the perfect mind!!
For those of you who want to learn, Go to you tube and search Buddhist Prostration.
My trip was going extremely well. It was the most informative and enlightening trip, but the question was would I be a happier person tomorrow? Would sitting next to the happiest man rub off on to me and lead me down the road to life of bliss and fulfillment? Would I suddenly wake up and find the world a beautiful place devoid of pain and suffering? Possibly not, but then it is not about changing the world, it is all about changing our perspective of the world. According to Mr. Happy we incur suffering but we create unhappiness. Changing the way we think and experience emotions leads to a change in moods and to lasting transformation. But this does not happen overnight. I will most certainly not become Miss Happy, but with regular practice and concerted effort it would be more than a possibility.
After all I had spent the last three days in the company of some extremely enlightened and happy individuals. There were definitely some things I should have gathered from my immersion in Happiness and it causes. So in a nutshell: The pre requisites to Happiness
Be kind and generous: even to those you think do not deserve your kindness and generosity. According to Tenzin Palmo – Founder of Dongyu Gatsai Ling Nunnery, India – It is very easy for us to be kind and loving towards a kind and loving person, but the true test of kindness and generosity is when we love those we think are unlovable!!!
Spend Time with Nature: Go for long walks, either in the hills or by the ocean, into the wilderness or wherever you will be one with nature. Nature in its entirety is free for all and it makes us realize that the best things in life are free. The air that we breathe, the scenery that we take in the sunsets and the sunrise are all there for us to partake.
Exercise at least 5 times a week: According to Tal Ben Shahar , a study conducted on depressed people found out that the most beneficial antidote for depression was exerise. Infact he even went on to say that not exercising was like taking a daily depressant. So get your running shoes out and get on that tread mill or if you want to kill two birds with one stone, go for a run in the park.
Show Gratitude and write every night 5 things that you are grateful for: One of the simplest and yet the most beneficial exercise towards happiness is that of writing a gratitude journal . Most of the speakers at the convention talked about the benefits of gratitude. If we are grateful for what we have, we are given more reasons to be grateful for. So go get your pens and note books out and start writing how grateful you are for having a friend like me!!!!!
Practice altruism and unconditional love: The other most talked about topic towards attaining bliss and happiness is the practice of altruism. Altruism does not necessarily mean giving money to charity. Sometimes it is more about sharing your love and kindness. Sharing a skill that you may have? Sharing a smile with a stranger, helping someone without an expectation of returned favor. Sharing your time and your happiness can also be viewed as an act of altruism.
Start meditation practice: Apparently one needs to practice meditation for over 100,000 hours to reach a state of bliss and happiness. But it has been proven in the laboratory that even starting with 5-15 minutes a day has a discernible effect on the cortex of the brain and leads to happier, more productive and more fulfilling lives.
Listen to soothing music: There is after all some truth in the Mozart effect. Calm soothing music is associated with the same kind of brain activity as meditation but at a much smaller scale. So although meditation is the best exercise for the brain, practicing mindfulness in all that we do and listening to calm and soothing music plays has an uplifting effect on the brain.
Start focusing on the good in people : The more we focus on the good in people the more we find it. It is true that till we start looking for something we will definitely not find it. Every so often we are so engrossed in our lives that we fail to appreciate the people around us. Take a moment to appreciate each other and revel in each other goodness.
Start or join a laughter club: We all know that laughter makes us feel good. A regular 20 minute laughter session can have a profound impact on our health and wellbeing. Laughter is gentle exercise. It fills your lungs and body with oxygen, deep-clears your breathing passages and exercises your lungs. When we laugh our bodies release a cocktail of hormones & chemicals that have startling positive effects on our system. Stress is reduced, blood pressure drops, depression is lifted, your immune system is boosted & more. So go out and start laughing your head off.
So , thanks to Mr. Happy I hope I have been able to point you towards some happiness .
Love/luck/happines.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
checklist for happiness
A checklist for happiness-
I was sitting in the cockpit for T/O and landing and I observed the First Officer take out the T/O and landing Checklist and read it out aloud. How many times have our captains and First Officers taken off and landed planes? But every time they still refer to a checklist. Even though they probably know the procedures like the back of their hand they still have to refer to a checklist to ensure that we arrive safe and in "better Shape".
As a student of positive psychology (a branch of psychology that focuses on positive behavior and happiness and optimism), I thought to myself, how wonderful would it be to have a checklist for happiness.
Happiness is a very arbitrary term and one person’s happiness may differ from another, but having said that, I think there are a few basic tenets that could be universally applied to happiness.
Those being; good health, fulfilling relationship, satisfying work, enough money and the ability to indulge in one’s passions.
Many of us confuse feeling good with feeling happy. Recently a study was undertaken, whereby students were asked to do something that gave them pleasure and then to perform an act of selfless kindness. Most students approached the first part rather eagerly and recounted their pleasurable activities that included having sex, going out for a great meal, hanging out with friends, drinking and getting hammered and having more sex.
Interestingly, the second part of the assignment had a more lasting effect. When the students were asked about their experience, they spoke with the jubilation of a five year old. One of the students who was afraid of needles, went and gave blood. Another brought an homeless person home and fed him . Yet another left a 50$ tip for a waiter at Denny’s and one spent the whole day at a community farm covered in horse manure.
When asked to compare the two activities, almost everyone rated the second to be higher in terms of lasting happiness. This experiment was then repeated in other institutions and the findings were pretty unanimous.
So what really is happiness?
Webster’s and Oxford dictionary describe the word happiness as a state of feeling great pleasure, and contentment. Someone who is happy is said to be favored by circumstances; is lucky; fortunate etc. The thesaurus uses words like pleasure; gratification; enjoyment; fruition, oblectation ; relish; zest; gusto; well being; joy; gladness; enchantment; rapture; ecstasy; heaven; honeymoon
I once sent out an email to my friends asking them to define happiness. I got some lovely responses, some rather simple and some extremely profound and insightful (too many to list here), but most said it was appreciating what we had, living in the present, showing gratitude and giving without expectation. No one mentioned money, sex or food. Rather interesting isn’t it? We all know or at least pretend to know what happiness is but when it comes down to really being happy we forget and run after all the things that only lead to pleasure and not towards lasting happiness.
As I was having this discussion with the Captain of my flight, he gave me a brilliant idea! He suggested that I make a checklist for happiness and put it in the mail boxes of all the cockpit and cabin crew.
It is not my intention to preach, but it sure is my intention to steer you towards a more fulfilling and "HAPPY" life. So without much further ado, here is a list of things that can lead to lasting happiness.
Make happiness a worthy goal, for achieving it is entirely within your power. Abraham Lincoln noted, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." It isn’t what happens to us that determines how happy we are, it’s what and how we think about what happens to us, that determines the state of our happiness.
Let go of what you cannot change: other people, the past, the future. Reinhold Niebuhr once wrote. "Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Only focus on what YOU can change: your thoughts, beliefs, expectations, and behavior. There is absolutely no point in wasting your time and energy in blame or on other people and circumstances beyond your control. Rather than fume at other people’s "selfishness" and inconsiderate behavior, remind yourself that you have no control over what others choose to think or do. Simply refuse to turn into a whining child because of situations and events beyond your power to alter or fix.
Appreciate the moment. Notice the good things that are happening to you right now, whether it’s a beautiful sky, a light load on the plane, a happy child, a gorgeous passenger giving you his phone no , a lovely meal with your friends. Who knows how many years or days one has so live this moment fully. Most of us dwell on the past be it pain or pleasure. We hold on to the past, plan the future and forget the present. However the only moment of truth is this moment. Every time you feel sad or depressed, think about what is wrong with this particular moment. Very often it will be nothing wrong in the moment, only in our thoughts.
Focus on what you have and not on what you want. One of the definitions of happiness that I received said, "Happiness is wanting what you get and success is getting what you want". I read it and ignored it, but now that I am writing about it, it makes perfect sense. We have to accept that we won’t get everything that we want. So why insist on making ourselves miserable by wanting instead of enjoying what we have. Do not turn your wants into needs.
Choose to see the best in people and the world. You are the maker of your own destiny. You will always see what you choose to see. Try this- Next time you are out shopping, think of a red car and before you know it you will spot a red car somewhere on the road. Why? It’ s because now you were looking for a red car. Unhappy people choose to see the worst. They weigh themselves down with a very dim view of the world and forget the joys of appreciation. We tend to see only the "evidence" that confirms our beliefs, thereby convincing ourselves those beliefs are "facts. So choose to see the best and only the best will appear.
Be grateful and write a gratitude journal. Take stock of all the good things in your life and be grateful. Remind yourself all of the people who have less than you have, whether it is health, resources, family or friends. Every night before going to bed, remember three good things that happened and write them down. Do this exercise everyday without fail. Eventually your brain will get hard wired to appreciation and gratitude and lead to happiness.
Stop assuming you know what others think and feel. I’ve discovered that I’m a poor mind reader. Studies comparing eyewitness accounts invariably reveal that no two people see things exactly the same way, and that each of us interprets what we perceive in a different way. We all have different beliefs, which weave into a complex web or system of beliefs. Therefore we see the world differently, behave differently, and show our love differently. So don’t expect others to behave as you would in a similar situation.
Remember that other people’s actions are almost always about them, not about you. I remember meeting a passenger on the plane the other day, who was the most obnoxious, ill-tempered woman I had ever met. She was out right rude and nasty. Eventually I gathered courage and asked her if we had done something to upset her. At first she was being rather evasive and deigned to talk, but eventually came out with her whole life story about her impending divorce and her children’s custody and her new lovers inability to provide a comfortable home. All her anger was basically self directed and she had no clue how to handle it.
Lower your expectations. High expectations set us up for constant disappointment. I would much rather be surprised and delighted by things turning out better than I expected, instead of expecting more than I get, and being disappointed. I remember dating this one guy who would talk about bringing the moon and the stars and leaving me rather disappointed due to his inability to fulfill even the most basic phone call need. On the other hand I met someone who would send me flowers even when he was flying in the air (thanks to airphones). Obviously, I was flattered as I least expected it.
Always remember that "being human" means being imperfect and making mistakes. And that’s all right. Rather than becoming critical and angry at yourself try to be gentle. Remember what Einstein said, "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
Take chances. Be bold and take a stand. In interviews with nursing home residents, a study found that people’s biggest regrets were not things they did, but things they didn’t do. Susan Davis says, "Joy comes from taking risks around your deepest values." So I am daring to write this checklist on Happiness even at the cost of you all making fun of me!!!!!
Live by your values. Think about what is important to you and the kind of person that you want to be. Then make everyday decisions based on which actions are most in alignment with who you want to be and what you value.
Remember to breathe. Really breathe. When you feel stressed, take a few deep breaths. Focus on filling your belly with air, then expelling all the air from my body. When you feel totally empty of air, take a new, full breath. This breathing exercise refreshes your mind and body.
Get enough sleep. Now, that one is a real bummer for me. I can only sleep well on my bed and with my pillow. Sleeping in strange hotels and at strange times plays havoc with my system, but what the hell, I am preaching right now, so I shall write because it is really important. You figure out your own way of sleeping. I did!!!!!!!!!
And most importantly, go and do something for someone without any expectation. Altruism has been described as the one most important factor leading to happiness. People who have done a good deed carry that happy feeling with them for a much longer time than they carry a feeling of pleasure.
Phew that was bloody long for a checklist. Just choose what you like and ignore the rest. Big thinking precedes big achievement. If you can dream it, you can do it. So get into the habit of being happy.
Luv/luck/happiness.
I was sitting in the cockpit for T/O and landing and I observed the First Officer take out the T/O and landing Checklist and read it out aloud. How many times have our captains and First Officers taken off and landed planes? But every time they still refer to a checklist. Even though they probably know the procedures like the back of their hand they still have to refer to a checklist to ensure that we arrive safe and in "better Shape".
As a student of positive psychology (a branch of psychology that focuses on positive behavior and happiness and optimism), I thought to myself, how wonderful would it be to have a checklist for happiness.
Happiness is a very arbitrary term and one person’s happiness may differ from another, but having said that, I think there are a few basic tenets that could be universally applied to happiness.
Those being; good health, fulfilling relationship, satisfying work, enough money and the ability to indulge in one’s passions.
Many of us confuse feeling good with feeling happy. Recently a study was undertaken, whereby students were asked to do something that gave them pleasure and then to perform an act of selfless kindness. Most students approached the first part rather eagerly and recounted their pleasurable activities that included having sex, going out for a great meal, hanging out with friends, drinking and getting hammered and having more sex.
Interestingly, the second part of the assignment had a more lasting effect. When the students were asked about their experience, they spoke with the jubilation of a five year old. One of the students who was afraid of needles, went and gave blood. Another brought an homeless person home and fed him . Yet another left a 50$ tip for a waiter at Denny’s and one spent the whole day at a community farm covered in horse manure.
When asked to compare the two activities, almost everyone rated the second to be higher in terms of lasting happiness. This experiment was then repeated in other institutions and the findings were pretty unanimous.
So what really is happiness?
Webster’s and Oxford dictionary describe the word happiness as a state of feeling great pleasure, and contentment. Someone who is happy is said to be favored by circumstances; is lucky; fortunate etc. The thesaurus uses words like pleasure; gratification; enjoyment; fruition, oblectation ; relish; zest; gusto; well being; joy; gladness; enchantment; rapture; ecstasy; heaven; honeymoon
I once sent out an email to my friends asking them to define happiness. I got some lovely responses, some rather simple and some extremely profound and insightful (too many to list here), but most said it was appreciating what we had, living in the present, showing gratitude and giving without expectation. No one mentioned money, sex or food. Rather interesting isn’t it? We all know or at least pretend to know what happiness is but when it comes down to really being happy we forget and run after all the things that only lead to pleasure and not towards lasting happiness.
As I was having this discussion with the Captain of my flight, he gave me a brilliant idea! He suggested that I make a checklist for happiness and put it in the mail boxes of all the cockpit and cabin crew.
It is not my intention to preach, but it sure is my intention to steer you towards a more fulfilling and "HAPPY" life. So without much further ado, here is a list of things that can lead to lasting happiness.
Make happiness a worthy goal, for achieving it is entirely within your power. Abraham Lincoln noted, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." It isn’t what happens to us that determines how happy we are, it’s what and how we think about what happens to us, that determines the state of our happiness.
Let go of what you cannot change: other people, the past, the future. Reinhold Niebuhr once wrote. "Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Only focus on what YOU can change: your thoughts, beliefs, expectations, and behavior. There is absolutely no point in wasting your time and energy in blame or on other people and circumstances beyond your control. Rather than fume at other people’s "selfishness" and inconsiderate behavior, remind yourself that you have no control over what others choose to think or do. Simply refuse to turn into a whining child because of situations and events beyond your power to alter or fix.
Appreciate the moment. Notice the good things that are happening to you right now, whether it’s a beautiful sky, a light load on the plane, a happy child, a gorgeous passenger giving you his phone no , a lovely meal with your friends. Who knows how many years or days one has so live this moment fully. Most of us dwell on the past be it pain or pleasure. We hold on to the past, plan the future and forget the present. However the only moment of truth is this moment. Every time you feel sad or depressed, think about what is wrong with this particular moment. Very often it will be nothing wrong in the moment, only in our thoughts.
Focus on what you have and not on what you want. One of the definitions of happiness that I received said, "Happiness is wanting what you get and success is getting what you want". I read it and ignored it, but now that I am writing about it, it makes perfect sense. We have to accept that we won’t get everything that we want. So why insist on making ourselves miserable by wanting instead of enjoying what we have. Do not turn your wants into needs.
Choose to see the best in people and the world. You are the maker of your own destiny. You will always see what you choose to see. Try this- Next time you are out shopping, think of a red car and before you know it you will spot a red car somewhere on the road. Why? It’ s because now you were looking for a red car. Unhappy people choose to see the worst. They weigh themselves down with a very dim view of the world and forget the joys of appreciation. We tend to see only the "evidence" that confirms our beliefs, thereby convincing ourselves those beliefs are "facts. So choose to see the best and only the best will appear.
Be grateful and write a gratitude journal. Take stock of all the good things in your life and be grateful. Remind yourself all of the people who have less than you have, whether it is health, resources, family or friends. Every night before going to bed, remember three good things that happened and write them down. Do this exercise everyday without fail. Eventually your brain will get hard wired to appreciation and gratitude and lead to happiness.
Stop assuming you know what others think and feel. I’ve discovered that I’m a poor mind reader. Studies comparing eyewitness accounts invariably reveal that no two people see things exactly the same way, and that each of us interprets what we perceive in a different way. We all have different beliefs, which weave into a complex web or system of beliefs. Therefore we see the world differently, behave differently, and show our love differently. So don’t expect others to behave as you would in a similar situation.
Remember that other people’s actions are almost always about them, not about you. I remember meeting a passenger on the plane the other day, who was the most obnoxious, ill-tempered woman I had ever met. She was out right rude and nasty. Eventually I gathered courage and asked her if we had done something to upset her. At first she was being rather evasive and deigned to talk, but eventually came out with her whole life story about her impending divorce and her children’s custody and her new lovers inability to provide a comfortable home. All her anger was basically self directed and she had no clue how to handle it.
Lower your expectations. High expectations set us up for constant disappointment. I would much rather be surprised and delighted by things turning out better than I expected, instead of expecting more than I get, and being disappointed. I remember dating this one guy who would talk about bringing the moon and the stars and leaving me rather disappointed due to his inability to fulfill even the most basic phone call need. On the other hand I met someone who would send me flowers even when he was flying in the air (thanks to airphones). Obviously, I was flattered as I least expected it.
Always remember that "being human" means being imperfect and making mistakes. And that’s all right. Rather than becoming critical and angry at yourself try to be gentle. Remember what Einstein said, "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
Take chances. Be bold and take a stand. In interviews with nursing home residents, a study found that people’s biggest regrets were not things they did, but things they didn’t do. Susan Davis says, "Joy comes from taking risks around your deepest values." So I am daring to write this checklist on Happiness even at the cost of you all making fun of me!!!!!
Live by your values. Think about what is important to you and the kind of person that you want to be. Then make everyday decisions based on which actions are most in alignment with who you want to be and what you value.
Remember to breathe. Really breathe. When you feel stressed, take a few deep breaths. Focus on filling your belly with air, then expelling all the air from my body. When you feel totally empty of air, take a new, full breath. This breathing exercise refreshes your mind and body.
Get enough sleep. Now, that one is a real bummer for me. I can only sleep well on my bed and with my pillow. Sleeping in strange hotels and at strange times plays havoc with my system, but what the hell, I am preaching right now, so I shall write because it is really important. You figure out your own way of sleeping. I did!!!!!!!!!
And most importantly, go and do something for someone without any expectation. Altruism has been described as the one most important factor leading to happiness. People who have done a good deed carry that happy feeling with them for a much longer time than they carry a feeling of pleasure.
Phew that was bloody long for a checklist. Just choose what you like and ignore the rest. Big thinking precedes big achievement. If you can dream it, you can do it. So get into the habit of being happy.
Luv/luck/happiness.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
How does it matter what people say-2
A few months ago I had written a blog titled “ How does it matter what people say?”.
I wrote it so casually and so easily. That was because it had nothing to do with me. I in my supercilious style was being all preachy and full of wonderful insights. It was so easy for me to remain detached and offer advice and tell Sue how it is the people’s perspective and just by saying something nasty about you they are actually living out their own inadequacies. Humans have a tendency to belittle others when they themselves have unmet needs.
It all sounded so easy when I was preaching. Today however, I heard things about me and it actually upset me to no extent. I was rather hurt and I could not hold back my tears. I felt, I had done no wrong and I did not deserve this negative talk.
Why is it that we get so affected by what people say?
We could easily call it human nature. We are all social beings and have an inherent need to belong and be accepted. When we feel our acceptance threatened we feel insecure and fragile. We want to be revered, we want to be acknowledged, loved and accepted.
I was telling my daughter about contractive vs. expansive speech and thinking. It has been shown that when we receive or give compliments our whole being rejoices and expands (metaphorically) and on the other hand, talking ill or hearing ill about ourselves leads to a contraction in our energy field. This emotional turmoil eventually manifests in the form of physical illnesses.
Why then do we still indulge in gossip and negative talk? Why do we rejoice in spreading malicious rumors about others? Even though we have the ability to practice discernment, why do we still choose to inflict pain on fellow humans? Why do we insist on destruction? Why do we indulge in malice?
Is that also human nature?
I guess the survival of the fittest promotes elimination of competition. How do we humans compete? Either we go about killing each other in the name of religion, territory, ideologies or sects or we spread malicious, rumors and hope that the object of our scorn gets eliminated from our circle of friends.
So does that mean that humans are a vindictive, malicious, vengeful race focusing on elimination?
History has enough proofs to show the demonization of humans. Wars, both past and present, Hitler’s gas chambers and more recently 911 and the war on terror. Also the very public ridicule and eventual killing of Socrates, Jesus, Gandhi and anyone who has stood for a cause goes to show that humans are an afraid bunch. We use might and force and sometimes surreptitious strategies towards fulfilling our own ill formed dreams.
I remember reading Lord of the Flies by William Golding and thinking to myself, how could a bunch of perfectly normal children be capable of pure evil. So is it true that given the right or actually wrong circumstances we could all stoop towards anarchy?
I know I have digressed from my so stated subject, but the more I think about the more I get convinced that humans are not really bad. It’s just that negativity gets more publicity. How many of us knew about Schindler but all of us knew about Hitler?
I read somewhere that only 6% of the world population was really evil. The rest are generally good. So for every 6 bad people there are 94 good ones.
So I can rest assured that for every one person that talks bad about me there will be at least 15 who will talk well of me. Well, even if it were not true, that’s my story and I am sticking by it
.
Mark Twain said that “the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about!”
So I shall let the momentary feeling of unease pass me by and continue to focus on seeing the glass half full. The world does look pink through rose colored lenses so my recommendation! Let’s all go and buy rose colored glasses.
So it really should not matter what people say. I will choose to hear what I wish to hear and choose to see what I wish to see.
Like my mother used to say, “ If you have nothing nice to say, don’t bother saying anything at all.”
Luv/luck/Happiness
I wrote it so casually and so easily. That was because it had nothing to do with me. I in my supercilious style was being all preachy and full of wonderful insights. It was so easy for me to remain detached and offer advice and tell Sue how it is the people’s perspective and just by saying something nasty about you they are actually living out their own inadequacies. Humans have a tendency to belittle others when they themselves have unmet needs.
It all sounded so easy when I was preaching. Today however, I heard things about me and it actually upset me to no extent. I was rather hurt and I could not hold back my tears. I felt, I had done no wrong and I did not deserve this negative talk.
Why is it that we get so affected by what people say?
We could easily call it human nature. We are all social beings and have an inherent need to belong and be accepted. When we feel our acceptance threatened we feel insecure and fragile. We want to be revered, we want to be acknowledged, loved and accepted.
I was telling my daughter about contractive vs. expansive speech and thinking. It has been shown that when we receive or give compliments our whole being rejoices and expands (metaphorically) and on the other hand, talking ill or hearing ill about ourselves leads to a contraction in our energy field. This emotional turmoil eventually manifests in the form of physical illnesses.
Why then do we still indulge in gossip and negative talk? Why do we rejoice in spreading malicious rumors about others? Even though we have the ability to practice discernment, why do we still choose to inflict pain on fellow humans? Why do we insist on destruction? Why do we indulge in malice?
Is that also human nature?
I guess the survival of the fittest promotes elimination of competition. How do we humans compete? Either we go about killing each other in the name of religion, territory, ideologies or sects or we spread malicious, rumors and hope that the object of our scorn gets eliminated from our circle of friends.
So does that mean that humans are a vindictive, malicious, vengeful race focusing on elimination?
History has enough proofs to show the demonization of humans. Wars, both past and present, Hitler’s gas chambers and more recently 911 and the war on terror. Also the very public ridicule and eventual killing of Socrates, Jesus, Gandhi and anyone who has stood for a cause goes to show that humans are an afraid bunch. We use might and force and sometimes surreptitious strategies towards fulfilling our own ill formed dreams.
I remember reading Lord of the Flies by William Golding and thinking to myself, how could a bunch of perfectly normal children be capable of pure evil. So is it true that given the right or actually wrong circumstances we could all stoop towards anarchy?
I know I have digressed from my so stated subject, but the more I think about the more I get convinced that humans are not really bad. It’s just that negativity gets more publicity. How many of us knew about Schindler but all of us knew about Hitler?
I read somewhere that only 6% of the world population was really evil. The rest are generally good. So for every 6 bad people there are 94 good ones.
So I can rest assured that for every one person that talks bad about me there will be at least 15 who will talk well of me. Well, even if it were not true, that’s my story and I am sticking by it
.
Mark Twain said that “the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about!”
So I shall let the momentary feeling of unease pass me by and continue to focus on seeing the glass half full. The world does look pink through rose colored lenses so my recommendation! Let’s all go and buy rose colored glasses.
So it really should not matter what people say. I will choose to hear what I wish to hear and choose to see what I wish to see.
Like my mother used to say, “ If you have nothing nice to say, don’t bother saying anything at all.”
Luv/luck/Happiness
Monday, March 10, 2008
Attend to yourself before helping others!!
I was on the plane , on my way back from London and during the safety video demonstration; there is this scene where a young mother is shown putting on an oxygen mask and then reaching out for another oxygen mask to attend to her child. The scene is accompanied by a voice over saying “in case of decompression, reach for the nearest available oxygen mask and don on your face and mouth like this!!. Attend to yourself before helping others.” The others in this case being her young son.
As a mother, however my first reaction would be to save my child first and then try and save myself. So the scene in the video was a little disturbing. However when I really thought about it , it all made sense. How would I be able to save my child if I wasn’t even around to save my child. At a time where seconds make a difference, what if in my attempt to save my child, I got so incapacitated that I was not able to save myself or my child.
This got me to the question of life. How often in our attempt to please others do we sacrifice our own interests with unsatisfying results. Very often we put others desires before our own, we sacrifice our dreams and happiness to fulfill those of our loved ones, but does it always lead to the best solution?
I was talking to a friend of mine and she started complaining about how tired she always feels as she has to constantly run around catching flights to see her husband and children in Taiwan. She lives and works in Hong Kong and her family lives in Taiwan which is about an hour away by plane. Although not too far, it is rather stressful for her to catch flights every other day to see her family. She would not have it any other way. However the stress of doing this every other day started to take its toll and she started resenting the fact that it was always her who had to do the travelling. When I asked her if her family could visit her once in a while, instead of her jumping on the plane every time, she promptly said, “ Oh no! I couldn’t subject them to that.”
So what is the solution? Either she quits her job and moves back to Taiwan, or she moves her husband and children to Hong Kong . Both options are not really financially feasible at this stage. So she continues to do what she hates to do. She has now become very resentful, resentful of her job, resentful of her children, resentful of her husband and resentful of herself for becoming so resentful.
Where do you think all this resentment will lead? Obviously not towards a happy fulfilling life! Even though she undertakes the necessary physical travel to be with her family, she is mentally, emotionally and physically drained. Wouldn’t it better for her to put herself first? At least then she could give her undivided attention to her family and do it happily.
We are all guilty of self sacrifice at some stage or the other. Although a great gesture, it does leave us rather unfulfilled at times. It leads to anger, frustration and resentment and in the end everyone suffers.
I read this at a fountain in New Zealand “ To thine own self be true.” It made me stop and take notice, I thought to myself , how simple and yet so profound. If we are not being true to our own selves how can we ever be true to anyone else?
So get selfish, put out your own needs and wants and expect fulfillment. Often it’s the women who make more sacrifices; they often give up their careers to follow their husbands or to bring up children.
I recently met with many women who seemed rather unhappy with the choices they had made. Society puts so much pressure on us to follow the expected path of self sacrifice and makes us feel guilty of self fulfillment. Mothers do and will always make sacrifices for their children; but should they be made to feel guilty if they choose to pursue their own passions?
I don’t know the answer; I think it is a very individual choice. I can’t be the one to tell a person how to lead his/her life. They need to make their own decisions and choices, but the one thing they really need to do is to be happy with the decision they make. Why be resentful of something that you are choosing to do? You made a decision, so may as well enjoy the outcome. Why deliberate and second guess yourself? I remember my friend saying “Either Shit or get off the pot.”
So yes, go out please yourself and then please others. An unhappy person can never make anyone else happy even if he/she tries. They have about them a kind of tiredness and negativity that follows them around.
“Be the person that walks into the room and the room lights up and not the person that walks out of the room and the room lights up.”
Luv/luck/happiness
As a mother, however my first reaction would be to save my child first and then try and save myself. So the scene in the video was a little disturbing. However when I really thought about it , it all made sense. How would I be able to save my child if I wasn’t even around to save my child. At a time where seconds make a difference, what if in my attempt to save my child, I got so incapacitated that I was not able to save myself or my child.
This got me to the question of life. How often in our attempt to please others do we sacrifice our own interests with unsatisfying results. Very often we put others desires before our own, we sacrifice our dreams and happiness to fulfill those of our loved ones, but does it always lead to the best solution?
I was talking to a friend of mine and she started complaining about how tired she always feels as she has to constantly run around catching flights to see her husband and children in Taiwan. She lives and works in Hong Kong and her family lives in Taiwan which is about an hour away by plane. Although not too far, it is rather stressful for her to catch flights every other day to see her family. She would not have it any other way. However the stress of doing this every other day started to take its toll and she started resenting the fact that it was always her who had to do the travelling. When I asked her if her family could visit her once in a while, instead of her jumping on the plane every time, she promptly said, “ Oh no! I couldn’t subject them to that.”
So what is the solution? Either she quits her job and moves back to Taiwan, or she moves her husband and children to Hong Kong . Both options are not really financially feasible at this stage. So she continues to do what she hates to do. She has now become very resentful, resentful of her job, resentful of her children, resentful of her husband and resentful of herself for becoming so resentful.
Where do you think all this resentment will lead? Obviously not towards a happy fulfilling life! Even though she undertakes the necessary physical travel to be with her family, she is mentally, emotionally and physically drained. Wouldn’t it better for her to put herself first? At least then she could give her undivided attention to her family and do it happily.
We are all guilty of self sacrifice at some stage or the other. Although a great gesture, it does leave us rather unfulfilled at times. It leads to anger, frustration and resentment and in the end everyone suffers.
I read this at a fountain in New Zealand “ To thine own self be true.” It made me stop and take notice, I thought to myself , how simple and yet so profound. If we are not being true to our own selves how can we ever be true to anyone else?
So get selfish, put out your own needs and wants and expect fulfillment. Often it’s the women who make more sacrifices; they often give up their careers to follow their husbands or to bring up children.
I recently met with many women who seemed rather unhappy with the choices they had made. Society puts so much pressure on us to follow the expected path of self sacrifice and makes us feel guilty of self fulfillment. Mothers do and will always make sacrifices for their children; but should they be made to feel guilty if they choose to pursue their own passions?
I don’t know the answer; I think it is a very individual choice. I can’t be the one to tell a person how to lead his/her life. They need to make their own decisions and choices, but the one thing they really need to do is to be happy with the decision they make. Why be resentful of something that you are choosing to do? You made a decision, so may as well enjoy the outcome. Why deliberate and second guess yourself? I remember my friend saying “Either Shit or get off the pot.”
So yes, go out please yourself and then please others. An unhappy person can never make anyone else happy even if he/she tries. They have about them a kind of tiredness and negativity that follows them around.
“Be the person that walks into the room and the room lights up and not the person that walks out of the room and the room lights up.”
Luv/luck/happiness
Giving up too soon!!
Ever tried to do something and consistently fail at it? You put out all the right messages, all the right motivations and yet fail. All amount of mental imagery and visualization does not bring the desired result? You keep trying and you keep failing.
What happens then? Do you start punishing yourself, indulge in self badgering, and then eventually give up?
This is exactly what happened with me. I enrolled in a yoga class and had been going there twice a week for over a year!!!!.(the recommended attendance is 3 -4 times a week) . Each time I came out of the class feeling like a complete idiot. I just could not bring myself to doing half the poses that the class was doing. Even the ones that I could manage, I needed correcting all the time.
I persevered with my shameless endeavor to master the crow ( standing on hands with legs dangling in the air)and the chataranga, ( sweeping your body from a high push up to a low push up in one sweeping motion) but no amount of will power or visualization came to my rescue. I was still falling over and making an absolute fool of myself.
Eventually, embarrassment at my inability to do even the simplest of poses got the better of me and I stopped attending the classes. I decided it was not for me and berating my stiff body, went back to my treadmill. I missed the relaxation and the calmness of yoga, but I still did not think of going back.
Till yesterday, that is;
I decided to go back to the class and had a chat with my teacher, I told her how I was completely demotivated and I did not feel like coming for yoga anymore. She then told me the story of the farmer who gave up too soon.
A farmer desperately in need of water started digging a well, he dug and dug and the hole got deeper, but still no water. “I must be digging in the wrong place he concluded". Each day he began digging in a new place. Eventually he had 20 similar holes and no water. A wise man passing by saw the farmer’s predicament and asked the farmer to dig in the same spot, but go much further as the water was available at 20 ft and the farmer was giving up at 10 ft. The first few feet was easy, but the next 10 feet needed a lot of work and sometimes more than one person to do the job. So instead of asking for help the farmer would just give up.
This is exactly what I was doing; each time I was unable to do a particular pose, I would just go into the child pose ( Lying down with my head down and legs and arms curled under) . Even when someone would approach me to help me I would turn around and ignore them. I would just curse myself and wonder why I was unable to do what everyone else was doing?
Too often we are too hard on ourselves. We compare ourselves to others and beat ourselves for not having attained what the other person has.
I recently met a 14 year old boy who stopped going to school because he came 2nd instead of 1st. He is an extremely bright boy and always ranked 1st, but this semester, his grades fell by a few points and he came 2nd. He felt embarrassed and stopped going to school. Much to the worry of his parents he has now adopted the attitude of “ If I can’t be the best , I won’t bother being second best”.
How often do we all do the same? We try and we try, but eventually give up just short of attaining our goals. We set the bar too high and when we are unable to attain it we tend to get too hard on ourselves. Only if we could sustain the enthusiasm and focus till the end, our lives may turn out very different.
Wasn’t it Edison who said “ I haven’t failed yet, I have found 10,000 ways that won’t work”.
With that in mind, I am once again going to try and master standing upside down and looking at the world with a whole new perspective.
Luv/luck/happiness.
What happens then? Do you start punishing yourself, indulge in self badgering, and then eventually give up?
This is exactly what happened with me. I enrolled in a yoga class and had been going there twice a week for over a year!!!!.(the recommended attendance is 3 -4 times a week) . Each time I came out of the class feeling like a complete idiot. I just could not bring myself to doing half the poses that the class was doing. Even the ones that I could manage, I needed correcting all the time.
I persevered with my shameless endeavor to master the crow ( standing on hands with legs dangling in the air)and the chataranga, ( sweeping your body from a high push up to a low push up in one sweeping motion) but no amount of will power or visualization came to my rescue. I was still falling over and making an absolute fool of myself.
Eventually, embarrassment at my inability to do even the simplest of poses got the better of me and I stopped attending the classes. I decided it was not for me and berating my stiff body, went back to my treadmill. I missed the relaxation and the calmness of yoga, but I still did not think of going back.
Till yesterday, that is;
I decided to go back to the class and had a chat with my teacher, I told her how I was completely demotivated and I did not feel like coming for yoga anymore. She then told me the story of the farmer who gave up too soon.
A farmer desperately in need of water started digging a well, he dug and dug and the hole got deeper, but still no water. “I must be digging in the wrong place he concluded". Each day he began digging in a new place. Eventually he had 20 similar holes and no water. A wise man passing by saw the farmer’s predicament and asked the farmer to dig in the same spot, but go much further as the water was available at 20 ft and the farmer was giving up at 10 ft. The first few feet was easy, but the next 10 feet needed a lot of work and sometimes more than one person to do the job. So instead of asking for help the farmer would just give up.
This is exactly what I was doing; each time I was unable to do a particular pose, I would just go into the child pose ( Lying down with my head down and legs and arms curled under) . Even when someone would approach me to help me I would turn around and ignore them. I would just curse myself and wonder why I was unable to do what everyone else was doing?
Too often we are too hard on ourselves. We compare ourselves to others and beat ourselves for not having attained what the other person has.
I recently met a 14 year old boy who stopped going to school because he came 2nd instead of 1st. He is an extremely bright boy and always ranked 1st, but this semester, his grades fell by a few points and he came 2nd. He felt embarrassed and stopped going to school. Much to the worry of his parents he has now adopted the attitude of “ If I can’t be the best , I won’t bother being second best”.
How often do we all do the same? We try and we try, but eventually give up just short of attaining our goals. We set the bar too high and when we are unable to attain it we tend to get too hard on ourselves. Only if we could sustain the enthusiasm and focus till the end, our lives may turn out very different.
Wasn’t it Edison who said “ I haven’t failed yet, I have found 10,000 ways that won’t work”.
With that in mind, I am once again going to try and master standing upside down and looking at the world with a whole new perspective.
Luv/luck/happiness.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Kabari walla
Kabari walla
I was visiting my home country( India) and having arrived at the godly hour of 4 am was just about drifting into slumber land when suddenly I hear the shrill ear piercing shout, “ kabari walla- kabari walla, raddi paper, plastic, bottle …..kabari walla” ( Kabari wala’s are scrap dealers who buy your junk and sell it for a small profit to a buyer who recycle’s those and sells them for a bigger profit) . I suddenly sit upright , not knowing if I was dreaming or awake . It was the shrillest loudest voice I had ever heard. At a decibel level of over 100 he would put any soprano to shame.
I woke up cursing and tried to stuff my ears with cotton buds so as to muffle the sound and try and go back to sleep. All the squirming and stuffing would not take the sound out of my head and by now I was fully awake. I cursed the kabari walla and eventually shouted him away… I guess he moved away to more cluttered pastures !!!
But as soon as he moved away, I realized that I may need him after all. I ran down to chase after him and somehow managed to catch him as he was cycling away. He came right back with a big grin and his weighing scale. I asked my house hold help to bring out all the unwanted paper, plastic, bottles, tupperware and anything else that had lived beyond its use by dates. As the stuff kept appearing and the pile of clutter kept getting higher, the Kabari walla’s grin kept getting wider. He couldn’t contain his excitement and the look in his eyes said it all. “ My God , you had so much stuff you wanted to get rid off and you shooed me away! You must be crazy”.
He started sorting out the good, bad and the ugly and offered me a price. I bargained and got a bit more. Both, the kabari walla and I felt we had made a bargain. Both of us had big smiles on our faces.
What a service the kabari Walla provides. He comes right to your door step and takes away your unwanted items and actually pays you for it. In HKG I have to pay someone to take away my old stuff.
Contented with my days earning, I thought how wonderful it would be if a kabari walla could come by every week to help me de clutter my emotional life as well.
Lately I have met so many people who seem to be carrying so much baggage in their hearts and minds that they are clogging their life with it. We all seem to hold on to all the unwanted items and emotions very close to heart . We give it so much importance and are unable to part from it. Just as we hold on to the physical we tend to hold on to the emotional.
Clutter of any kind is exactly that, just clutter. Physical takes away room from our houses and offices and the emotional takes over our life. It prevents us from growing, from moving forward, from exploring newer opportunities and avenues.
Isn’t it time we all summon the Kabari walla to help us de clutter!!!
I found the following ways to help with emotional de cluttering.
Forgive and forget the past hurt and pain
As humans we all have been hurt and have inflicted hurt. No point in reliving every moment either in pain or in guilt. By holding on to past resentments and pain we block the flow of new energy and prevent ourselves from growth.
Often people are so bitter and resentful that they would rather carry the hate and pain than forgive.
As author and Buddhist meditation teacher Sylvia Boorstein says, 'We all have tucked away in our unconscious a little list of people who have hurt us in some way in our lives. And we keep the list even though they can no longer hurt us, as if forgiving them will give us amnesia, and we'll get hurt by them again.'
It doesn’t work like that. People can only hurt you if you allow yourself to get hurt. The moment you decide to forgive, you actually open channels for new energy that will help you to forgive.
Do not, I repeat do not carry unnecessary baggage and weigh yourself down.
Be thankful/grateful and move on.
Just as we carry pain, sometimes we hold on to our pleasure and stay stuck in the past, again disallowing the flow of new energy and new experiences. We reminisce about the good times and wonder if they will happen again. We twist and turn ourselves in knots over the past and ruin our present trying to recreate the past. Instead we should say thanks and be grateful for the wonderful time and get ready for a new experience. Every moment is a new experience, nothing can and will stay forever. Only change and impermanence leads to growth.
Write it down
Sometimes writing about our experiences helps. Instead of carrying all the baggage in your head, why not write it down. This way we can always revisit the pain or pleasure when we feel like it. However the one thing that happens when you write is that your brain sends the message that the issue has been tackled. It is now over and it then starts looking forward to a new subject to write about. I was very skeptical about this suggestion, infact when someone suggested that I write about my pain and then burn the paper, I thought it to be the most crazy thing ever. I tried it anyway , but the cynic in me was not ready to accept. Then one day I realized that it had become such a ritual that even when I was not hurting , I would look out for something to burn.
On the other hand, writing about my pleasure allowed me to relive the moment at the time of writing and then I was ready to write about the next. This way , my brain kept looking for things that would give me pleasure and it fine tuned me to look out for it. I started appreciating more and started looking out for more to appreciate. Sunrise and sunset, children playing in the park, a beautiful meal, all the things that we take for granted could actually be moments of pleasure.
Indulge in play ( scream if you have to!!)
Ever notice how children are so full of life and laughter. They are light in the body and light in the mind. One minute they are fighting and the next they are best of friends. They play , they fight, they jump, they scream and then forget about it. They might leave a few embarrassed parents around, but they have surely lightened their load. Go out , play with someone, get physical or find a secluded spot and scream your lungs out. It sure feels good. I used to do that while driving. Make sure there is no one around and then scream at the top of your lungs. Sometimes my daughter and I used to close all our windows and doors and scream into the pillow. Try it, it feels wonderful.
Meditate
Sounds bloody difficult and it sure is. I always thought meditation was this serious exercise where you had to sit cross legged and FOCUS . I did go for a ten day Vipassna and almost died trying to keep myself from talking and trying to focus on nothing. Eventually , I realized that the whole exercise of meditation is not about focus, but about being empty .
Now that is another dilemma, how does one become empty? You become empty, by lightening your load and you lighten your load by setting it aside. All you need to do to start meditation is try to put all thoughts aside and FOCUS on what you are doing at that very moment. Let’s try…… when you brush your teeth in the morning, for those two to three minutes, just think of brushing, nothing but the movement of the brush, the taste of the tooth paste, the froth that is gathering and the tap that is running. Put all your attention on brushing your teeth. Do not allow any thoughts like children, breakfast, stock market, meeting with the boss, what to wear, etc enter your mind. They surely will, so instead of fighting them, allow them to visit, but then ask them to leave so that you can go back to tasting your tooth paste!
Of course this is not meditation, but what this does is, it gets your brain prepared for meditation. With regular practice of concentrating on brushing ( or any other everyday activity) your brain is now gets conditioned towards emptiness and focus. This way when you do decide to sit cross legged thinking about a dot or focusing on your breathing, you may be able to do so for about 8- 10 minutes without major upheavals . Eventually it does show results. If I could do it, anyone can. I seemed to have ants in my pants and could not sit still even for a moment, but now I do.
Do not gossip
Oooh now, that’s even more difficult than trying to meditate. Gossiping is in our blood. I thought that it was mainly women who gossiped, but I was quite surprised to find this to be favorite pastime of men too. Even Children gossip, its just that they don’t know it is gossip. Gossip is so engaging, it makes us feel important, we seem to belong in the inner circle as we contribute our share of useless information. All of us have indulged in this favorite pass time and sometimes assuaged our own gulit by saying something like “ Did you know that Sasha is having an affair? “ then we say, “Oh no , I shouldn’t have said that”. But by then we have created enough interest and then everyone wants to know what I know and they all add their two bits. Poor Sasha has no idea, that her life is being dissected and discussed with such zeal. Next time whoever meets Sasha, will have a preconceived idea about her and will behave according to his/her own judgment.
But hey, forget about Sasha, its you we are concerned about. Why burden yourself with information that does not concern you in any way. The more you gossip, the more useless baggage you carry in your head less is the room for something really worthwhile.
I could go on and on about these self help and de cluttering strategies, but then I’d sound like a broken record and you might think I am preaching. But these are really tried and tested remedies that have helped me with my own de cluttering .
Thanks to the” Kabari walla” I have now managed to lighten up my house as well. Next time someone comes screaming at you to get rid of your “Raddi” (waste), comply and be grateful. They are doing you a huge service.
Luv/luck/happiness
I was visiting my home country( India) and having arrived at the godly hour of 4 am was just about drifting into slumber land when suddenly I hear the shrill ear piercing shout, “ kabari walla- kabari walla, raddi paper, plastic, bottle …..kabari walla” ( Kabari wala’s are scrap dealers who buy your junk and sell it for a small profit to a buyer who recycle’s those and sells them for a bigger profit) . I suddenly sit upright , not knowing if I was dreaming or awake . It was the shrillest loudest voice I had ever heard. At a decibel level of over 100 he would put any soprano to shame.
I woke up cursing and tried to stuff my ears with cotton buds so as to muffle the sound and try and go back to sleep. All the squirming and stuffing would not take the sound out of my head and by now I was fully awake. I cursed the kabari walla and eventually shouted him away… I guess he moved away to more cluttered pastures !!!
But as soon as he moved away, I realized that I may need him after all. I ran down to chase after him and somehow managed to catch him as he was cycling away. He came right back with a big grin and his weighing scale. I asked my house hold help to bring out all the unwanted paper, plastic, bottles, tupperware and anything else that had lived beyond its use by dates. As the stuff kept appearing and the pile of clutter kept getting higher, the Kabari walla’s grin kept getting wider. He couldn’t contain his excitement and the look in his eyes said it all. “ My God , you had so much stuff you wanted to get rid off and you shooed me away! You must be crazy”.
He started sorting out the good, bad and the ugly and offered me a price. I bargained and got a bit more. Both, the kabari walla and I felt we had made a bargain. Both of us had big smiles on our faces.
What a service the kabari Walla provides. He comes right to your door step and takes away your unwanted items and actually pays you for it. In HKG I have to pay someone to take away my old stuff.
Contented with my days earning, I thought how wonderful it would be if a kabari walla could come by every week to help me de clutter my emotional life as well.
Lately I have met so many people who seem to be carrying so much baggage in their hearts and minds that they are clogging their life with it. We all seem to hold on to all the unwanted items and emotions very close to heart . We give it so much importance and are unable to part from it. Just as we hold on to the physical we tend to hold on to the emotional.
Clutter of any kind is exactly that, just clutter. Physical takes away room from our houses and offices and the emotional takes over our life. It prevents us from growing, from moving forward, from exploring newer opportunities and avenues.
Isn’t it time we all summon the Kabari walla to help us de clutter!!!
I found the following ways to help with emotional de cluttering.
Forgive and forget the past hurt and pain
As humans we all have been hurt and have inflicted hurt. No point in reliving every moment either in pain or in guilt. By holding on to past resentments and pain we block the flow of new energy and prevent ourselves from growth.
Often people are so bitter and resentful that they would rather carry the hate and pain than forgive.
As author and Buddhist meditation teacher Sylvia Boorstein says, 'We all have tucked away in our unconscious a little list of people who have hurt us in some way in our lives. And we keep the list even though they can no longer hurt us, as if forgiving them will give us amnesia, and we'll get hurt by them again.'
It doesn’t work like that. People can only hurt you if you allow yourself to get hurt. The moment you decide to forgive, you actually open channels for new energy that will help you to forgive.
Do not, I repeat do not carry unnecessary baggage and weigh yourself down.
Be thankful/grateful and move on.
Just as we carry pain, sometimes we hold on to our pleasure and stay stuck in the past, again disallowing the flow of new energy and new experiences. We reminisce about the good times and wonder if they will happen again. We twist and turn ourselves in knots over the past and ruin our present trying to recreate the past. Instead we should say thanks and be grateful for the wonderful time and get ready for a new experience. Every moment is a new experience, nothing can and will stay forever. Only change and impermanence leads to growth.
Write it down
Sometimes writing about our experiences helps. Instead of carrying all the baggage in your head, why not write it down. This way we can always revisit the pain or pleasure when we feel like it. However the one thing that happens when you write is that your brain sends the message that the issue has been tackled. It is now over and it then starts looking forward to a new subject to write about. I was very skeptical about this suggestion, infact when someone suggested that I write about my pain and then burn the paper, I thought it to be the most crazy thing ever. I tried it anyway , but the cynic in me was not ready to accept. Then one day I realized that it had become such a ritual that even when I was not hurting , I would look out for something to burn.
On the other hand, writing about my pleasure allowed me to relive the moment at the time of writing and then I was ready to write about the next. This way , my brain kept looking for things that would give me pleasure and it fine tuned me to look out for it. I started appreciating more and started looking out for more to appreciate. Sunrise and sunset, children playing in the park, a beautiful meal, all the things that we take for granted could actually be moments of pleasure.
Indulge in play ( scream if you have to!!)
Ever notice how children are so full of life and laughter. They are light in the body and light in the mind. One minute they are fighting and the next they are best of friends. They play , they fight, they jump, they scream and then forget about it. They might leave a few embarrassed parents around, but they have surely lightened their load. Go out , play with someone, get physical or find a secluded spot and scream your lungs out. It sure feels good. I used to do that while driving. Make sure there is no one around and then scream at the top of your lungs. Sometimes my daughter and I used to close all our windows and doors and scream into the pillow. Try it, it feels wonderful.
Meditate
Sounds bloody difficult and it sure is. I always thought meditation was this serious exercise where you had to sit cross legged and FOCUS . I did go for a ten day Vipassna and almost died trying to keep myself from talking and trying to focus on nothing. Eventually , I realized that the whole exercise of meditation is not about focus, but about being empty .
Now that is another dilemma, how does one become empty? You become empty, by lightening your load and you lighten your load by setting it aside. All you need to do to start meditation is try to put all thoughts aside and FOCUS on what you are doing at that very moment. Let’s try…… when you brush your teeth in the morning, for those two to three minutes, just think of brushing, nothing but the movement of the brush, the taste of the tooth paste, the froth that is gathering and the tap that is running. Put all your attention on brushing your teeth. Do not allow any thoughts like children, breakfast, stock market, meeting with the boss, what to wear, etc enter your mind. They surely will, so instead of fighting them, allow them to visit, but then ask them to leave so that you can go back to tasting your tooth paste!
Of course this is not meditation, but what this does is, it gets your brain prepared for meditation. With regular practice of concentrating on brushing ( or any other everyday activity) your brain is now gets conditioned towards emptiness and focus. This way when you do decide to sit cross legged thinking about a dot or focusing on your breathing, you may be able to do so for about 8- 10 minutes without major upheavals . Eventually it does show results. If I could do it, anyone can. I seemed to have ants in my pants and could not sit still even for a moment, but now I do.
Do not gossip
Oooh now, that’s even more difficult than trying to meditate. Gossiping is in our blood. I thought that it was mainly women who gossiped, but I was quite surprised to find this to be favorite pastime of men too. Even Children gossip, its just that they don’t know it is gossip. Gossip is so engaging, it makes us feel important, we seem to belong in the inner circle as we contribute our share of useless information. All of us have indulged in this favorite pass time and sometimes assuaged our own gulit by saying something like “ Did you know that Sasha is having an affair? “ then we say, “Oh no , I shouldn’t have said that”. But by then we have created enough interest and then everyone wants to know what I know and they all add their two bits. Poor Sasha has no idea, that her life is being dissected and discussed with such zeal. Next time whoever meets Sasha, will have a preconceived idea about her and will behave according to his/her own judgment.
But hey, forget about Sasha, its you we are concerned about. Why burden yourself with information that does not concern you in any way. The more you gossip, the more useless baggage you carry in your head less is the room for something really worthwhile.
I could go on and on about these self help and de cluttering strategies, but then I’d sound like a broken record and you might think I am preaching. But these are really tried and tested remedies that have helped me with my own de cluttering .
Thanks to the” Kabari walla” I have now managed to lighten up my house as well. Next time someone comes screaming at you to get rid of your “Raddi” (waste), comply and be grateful. They are doing you a huge service.
Luv/luck/happiness
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Mayday, Mayday, Mayday
I think most of us know what the above phrase stands for. …. It is an emergency code word used internationally as a distress signal in case of a life threatening emergency. It is derived from the French word m’aider meaning help me.
As an airline employee and someone who has grown up seeing action movies , I am well conversant with the code for help. However I had never ever experienced a distress call till yesterday.
No my plane was not in any kind of distress, and nor was I marooned on an island with nothing but a radio. The Mayday call came from one of my colleagues at work. He is a senior pilot and has been a captain for around 8 years. He has flown 747-200, 300 and 400 and is now a captain on the Airbus.
Let’s call him Tom. I was telling Tom about my experience at the Vipassna meditation centre and how my life had changed since I made happiness a habit. How happiness is a daily choice and a skill to be learnt and practiced daily. I was telling him about my brush with depression and the soul searching leading to choosing happiness and the new me. Oblivious to his expression I kept rambling about how good it feels when you make a decision to be happy. As I was regaling him with my story, I suddenly saw a look of sheer helplessness on his face. He looked completely lost and starry eyed. I asked him if he was OK, to which he replied…Not Really!!!
I did not need to do much probing as he came out with a distress call for help. He had been going through a very trying 20 months. His wife had decided to leave him for someone else and had asked him to move out. He has three children and is completely and utterly devastated. He is still in love with his wife and would do anything to have her back in his life. Heartbroken and helpless, he does not know what to do and who to ask for help. It was as if the flood gates had been opened and the dam had burst. Tom is crying for help , but does not know where or how to go about it.
For all the physical strength of a man, he is yet much weaker emotionally. Tom has been married for 18 years and cannot imagine life without his wife. For him , life as he had planned and visualized, is over. He has never ever grieved so much in life as he is now. According to him, this is worse than the death of his parents and the death of his God father to whom he was extremely close. He sees no respite from the pain and he feels completely helpless. Actually seeing his wife walking with another man is like a dagger through his heart. He starts to visualize her being intimate with this person and it brings out the devil in him. He is driven to madness and wants almost to kill him, but obviously better sense prevails and he bites his tongue and lets it be.
We all go through the pain of heart break at some point in our life. I think, that in our hearts and minds we see our future with that special someone and the non culmination of that future wreaks havoc on our system. We are unable to accept the reality of a future without that partner and the world seems a dark and lonely place.
Someone once told me that it takes about half the time you spent with the person to get over that person. So in Tom’s case it would take him 9 years to get over his wife. I surely hope not!!
It’s rather easy for people to give advice and say things like, “hey bro move on, one cannot dwell on the past and ruminate. No amount of worrying and thinking will ever change the situation. By your wishing it so, she just won’t walk right back into your life.” I said exactly the same things to him. I can say those because it was not me hurting at this time.
I remember telling my friend once , how it was easy to bandage a physical hurt, pop pain killers to get rid of the pain, but there was nothing over the counter that could be purchased for the pain of heart break. It is one of the most painful things one has to endure completely on their own. No one , absolutely no one can understand what the person is going through. I remember, when it was me, I would look for any ray of hope that anyone could offer. I would look for messages in the books, messages in unflushed ciggarette butts! Tarot cards, fortune tellers, weekly and yearly forecasts, anything that would give me some kind of hope and an answer that I was looking for. I think these are just crutches that help us tide over and eventually acceptance sets in and then begins the healing. Before that we are so much in denial that the fact of our lover walking away does not even register, leave alone the acceptance.
In Tom’s case he needs to figure out, why is he so devastated? Why does he need her so much? Why can’t he let her go? Is it really love? Very often we confuse love with habitual dependency. The death of a future that we had created in our minds. The pain of separation /divorce is actually rated higher than death of a close family member, the only exception being the death of a spouse.
Yes he is under extreme stress and in extreme pain, but can he allow this to take such a huge toll on his life? When I met him, he was in tears and had no solution or a way forward. All he wants, is for her to walk right back into his arms and into his life.
It is said, that sadness shared is sadness halved and happiness shared is happiness doubled. Sharing both, sadness and happiness is what makes us human. I am so glad he shared his pain with me, but I can’t offer him a quick fix pill to make the pain go away. He has to really decide to make the pain a non priority. He has to learn to appreciate the good times and be grateful for those and let her go. What is the point of ruminating and thinking of what one should have could have done and feeling guilty. Holding oneself responsible for the current situation just adds to the helplessness and despondency. I think in a situation where one person decides to leave, it helps to focus on all that was not right in the relationship. Instead of crying and wanting the person back, one should do whatever it takes to heal from the pain and get on with life. The pain just does not go away, you have to drive it away, just as you would the demons and ghosts.
Don’t they say, “if you love someone, let them go, If they come back they are yours, if not they never were.” So , my advice, let her go. She will fight her own demons someday. Right now it’s your MayDay call, so take all the help you can get.
Luv/luck/happiness
As an airline employee and someone who has grown up seeing action movies , I am well conversant with the code for help. However I had never ever experienced a distress call till yesterday.
No my plane was not in any kind of distress, and nor was I marooned on an island with nothing but a radio. The Mayday call came from one of my colleagues at work. He is a senior pilot and has been a captain for around 8 years. He has flown 747-200, 300 and 400 and is now a captain on the Airbus.
Let’s call him Tom. I was telling Tom about my experience at the Vipassna meditation centre and how my life had changed since I made happiness a habit. How happiness is a daily choice and a skill to be learnt and practiced daily. I was telling him about my brush with depression and the soul searching leading to choosing happiness and the new me. Oblivious to his expression I kept rambling about how good it feels when you make a decision to be happy. As I was regaling him with my story, I suddenly saw a look of sheer helplessness on his face. He looked completely lost and starry eyed. I asked him if he was OK, to which he replied…Not Really!!!
I did not need to do much probing as he came out with a distress call for help. He had been going through a very trying 20 months. His wife had decided to leave him for someone else and had asked him to move out. He has three children and is completely and utterly devastated. He is still in love with his wife and would do anything to have her back in his life. Heartbroken and helpless, he does not know what to do and who to ask for help. It was as if the flood gates had been opened and the dam had burst. Tom is crying for help , but does not know where or how to go about it.
For all the physical strength of a man, he is yet much weaker emotionally. Tom has been married for 18 years and cannot imagine life without his wife. For him , life as he had planned and visualized, is over. He has never ever grieved so much in life as he is now. According to him, this is worse than the death of his parents and the death of his God father to whom he was extremely close. He sees no respite from the pain and he feels completely helpless. Actually seeing his wife walking with another man is like a dagger through his heart. He starts to visualize her being intimate with this person and it brings out the devil in him. He is driven to madness and wants almost to kill him, but obviously better sense prevails and he bites his tongue and lets it be.
We all go through the pain of heart break at some point in our life. I think, that in our hearts and minds we see our future with that special someone and the non culmination of that future wreaks havoc on our system. We are unable to accept the reality of a future without that partner and the world seems a dark and lonely place.
Someone once told me that it takes about half the time you spent with the person to get over that person. So in Tom’s case it would take him 9 years to get over his wife. I surely hope not!!
It’s rather easy for people to give advice and say things like, “hey bro move on, one cannot dwell on the past and ruminate. No amount of worrying and thinking will ever change the situation. By your wishing it so, she just won’t walk right back into your life.” I said exactly the same things to him. I can say those because it was not me hurting at this time.
I remember telling my friend once , how it was easy to bandage a physical hurt, pop pain killers to get rid of the pain, but there was nothing over the counter that could be purchased for the pain of heart break. It is one of the most painful things one has to endure completely on their own. No one , absolutely no one can understand what the person is going through. I remember, when it was me, I would look for any ray of hope that anyone could offer. I would look for messages in the books, messages in unflushed ciggarette butts! Tarot cards, fortune tellers, weekly and yearly forecasts, anything that would give me some kind of hope and an answer that I was looking for. I think these are just crutches that help us tide over and eventually acceptance sets in and then begins the healing. Before that we are so much in denial that the fact of our lover walking away does not even register, leave alone the acceptance.
In Tom’s case he needs to figure out, why is he so devastated? Why does he need her so much? Why can’t he let her go? Is it really love? Very often we confuse love with habitual dependency. The death of a future that we had created in our minds. The pain of separation /divorce is actually rated higher than death of a close family member, the only exception being the death of a spouse.
Yes he is under extreme stress and in extreme pain, but can he allow this to take such a huge toll on his life? When I met him, he was in tears and had no solution or a way forward. All he wants, is for her to walk right back into his arms and into his life.
It is said, that sadness shared is sadness halved and happiness shared is happiness doubled. Sharing both, sadness and happiness is what makes us human. I am so glad he shared his pain with me, but I can’t offer him a quick fix pill to make the pain go away. He has to really decide to make the pain a non priority. He has to learn to appreciate the good times and be grateful for those and let her go. What is the point of ruminating and thinking of what one should have could have done and feeling guilty. Holding oneself responsible for the current situation just adds to the helplessness and despondency. I think in a situation where one person decides to leave, it helps to focus on all that was not right in the relationship. Instead of crying and wanting the person back, one should do whatever it takes to heal from the pain and get on with life. The pain just does not go away, you have to drive it away, just as you would the demons and ghosts.
Don’t they say, “if you love someone, let them go, If they come back they are yours, if not they never were.” So , my advice, let her go. She will fight her own demons someday. Right now it’s your MayDay call, so take all the help you can get.
Luv/luck/happiness
Friday, January 11, 2008
Monkey see Monkey do!!!
Monkey see, monkey do!!
According to Wikipedia, Monkey see, monkey do is a traditional cliché that popped up in American culture in the early 1920s. The American version of this saying often refers to a child's learning process. The child observes another's behavior and then imitates it. The European interpretation of this cliché is slightly different. In the UK monkey see, monkey do refers to the learning of a process without an understanding of why it works.
Whatever the definition, the underlying fact is that behavior breeds behavior. This is often referred to in social psychology studies as Modeling Theory. The basis of this theory is that by observing a model's behavior and imitating it, there will be a desired learned effect. Various tests have been done and documented to prove the theory. The tests are not only limited to children, even adults tend to imitated behavior and that is what feeds into group behavior.
If it is true, could we not use this to our advantage?
Last night I went for a Charity Dinner, in aid of a hospital in Vietnam. It was a black tie event and the intention was to raise a few Hundred thousand dollars. There was silent auction and stage auction. It all started on a quite note and slowly and surely it built up into a frenzy with people bidding higher and higher amounts to get their coveted object/service.
I was sitting and watching, how people were getting more and more boisterous with each bid . It was all for a great cause, so it was a wonderful gesture, but was the great cause the underlying motivator in this case? I don’t think so! The auction managed to raise over a million dollars. I think in the frenzy to outdo each other, people forgot the underlying cause. But hey….who is complaining??
My point being, that people in groups tend to ape each other without really thinking in detail about the consequences. Sometimes the consequences can be great, like what happened last night and sometimes they can be disastrous, like what happens during riots and other frenzied fanatical situations.
Why not try and use the “monkey see monkey do approach” to spread good will and good behavior. This brings to my mind the movie , “ Pay It Forward”, where the little boy starts this whole niceness movement. You do something nice for three people and those three will do something nice for three other people and each of those three will do something nice for three people each. This way, before we know it the niceness will spread all around.
A psychologist Alice Isen tried to test this theory. She went around Philadelphia leaving dimes in pay phones. The people who used those phones and found dimes were more likely to help a person who dropped a stack of papers( carefully coincided with the callers exit), compared with people who used phones that had empty coin return slots. She has done various other experiments like distributing cookies , bags of candy, stationary etc to show how random acts of kindness have motivated people to do more acts of kindness.
You can conduct your own experiments and find out how your behavior affects the others. Start shouting at your employee, child, spouse , friend or neighbor and see its snowball effect . You will make some people rather unhappy and angry. Or do something special and unexpected for your employee, child, spouse, friend or neighbor and see the reaction. You will definitely make them happy and they in turn will make someone else happy.
It has also been proven that people who do volunteer work are happier and healthier than those who don’t. The Santa Clause affect has major consequences on our health and well being.
So if you really want to feel good, go and make someone feel good, and they just might do the same.
After all Monkey see Monkey Do!!
Luv/luck/happiness
According to Wikipedia, Monkey see, monkey do is a traditional cliché that popped up in American culture in the early 1920s. The American version of this saying often refers to a child's learning process. The child observes another's behavior and then imitates it. The European interpretation of this cliché is slightly different. In the UK monkey see, monkey do refers to the learning of a process without an understanding of why it works.
Whatever the definition, the underlying fact is that behavior breeds behavior. This is often referred to in social psychology studies as Modeling Theory. The basis of this theory is that by observing a model's behavior and imitating it, there will be a desired learned effect. Various tests have been done and documented to prove the theory. The tests are not only limited to children, even adults tend to imitated behavior and that is what feeds into group behavior.
If it is true, could we not use this to our advantage?
Last night I went for a Charity Dinner, in aid of a hospital in Vietnam. It was a black tie event and the intention was to raise a few Hundred thousand dollars. There was silent auction and stage auction. It all started on a quite note and slowly and surely it built up into a frenzy with people bidding higher and higher amounts to get their coveted object/service.
I was sitting and watching, how people were getting more and more boisterous with each bid . It was all for a great cause, so it was a wonderful gesture, but was the great cause the underlying motivator in this case? I don’t think so! The auction managed to raise over a million dollars. I think in the frenzy to outdo each other, people forgot the underlying cause. But hey….who is complaining??
My point being, that people in groups tend to ape each other without really thinking in detail about the consequences. Sometimes the consequences can be great, like what happened last night and sometimes they can be disastrous, like what happens during riots and other frenzied fanatical situations.
Why not try and use the “monkey see monkey do approach” to spread good will and good behavior. This brings to my mind the movie , “ Pay It Forward”, where the little boy starts this whole niceness movement. You do something nice for three people and those three will do something nice for three other people and each of those three will do something nice for three people each. This way, before we know it the niceness will spread all around.
A psychologist Alice Isen tried to test this theory. She went around Philadelphia leaving dimes in pay phones. The people who used those phones and found dimes were more likely to help a person who dropped a stack of papers( carefully coincided with the callers exit), compared with people who used phones that had empty coin return slots. She has done various other experiments like distributing cookies , bags of candy, stationary etc to show how random acts of kindness have motivated people to do more acts of kindness.
You can conduct your own experiments and find out how your behavior affects the others. Start shouting at your employee, child, spouse , friend or neighbor and see its snowball effect . You will make some people rather unhappy and angry. Or do something special and unexpected for your employee, child, spouse, friend or neighbor and see the reaction. You will definitely make them happy and they in turn will make someone else happy.
It has also been proven that people who do volunteer work are happier and healthier than those who don’t. The Santa Clause affect has major consequences on our health and well being.
So if you really want to feel good, go and make someone feel good, and they just might do the same.
After all Monkey see Monkey Do!!
Luv/luck/happiness
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Give before you can get
Give before you can get
In my research for “happiness in a bottle” . I came across various adages and quotations on happiness. Happiness is a choice thing- we can always choose happiness over unhappiness. It all comes down to perspective.
As a student of the art of happiness, I realized a very simple truth about happiness. ( the more you give the more you get), however this basic tenet about being there more joy in giving than receiving seems a bit hard to explain to a 5 year old.
Couple of days ago, my daughter and I were walking through a modern Hong Kong village and as usual I was giving her my pearls of wisdom about life and happiness and so on. As we were walking a little Chinese girl came out of her house and started looking at us. She must have been about 3-4 years old.
My daughter is 5 and a half and she was carrying a box of pretz . I told my daughter to give the box to the little girl and if she did that I would get her 2 in return. She stood there deliberating over it and tried to change the topic.
I stood firm and asked her to consider the offer one more time. She started bargaining with me and asked for 3 instead. We went back and forth and we finally agreed. As she was ready to part with her precious possession that she had managed to treble, she realized that the little girl had disappeared. She had gone back into the house and her grandfather had shut the door. Well! That was it, my daughter just lost her chance of trebling what she had.
We are the same; we hold on so tight for fear of losing what we have that we close ourselves to any other possibilities. Only if we could move beyond this fear, innumerable possibilities would open up.
Giving and gratitude allows us to receive more, where as selfishness brings about negative energy, because it implies lack. Feelings of lack close us towards the possibility of receiving and creating abundance. Truly recognizing the needs and wants of other people puts us in a higher vibration and allows for abundance to flow into our life.
Whatever you want more of, try giving it away. If you want more love, try giving love, you want more time, give your time to someone who needs it, you want more money, give money away. You want more happiness, try and make someone happy. You want more misery, go make someone miserable. You want good health……you don’t have to go and give your blood away, but go and spend some time with people who are unhealthy and bring a smile to their face, by giving them your time.
It is always the small things that make a big difference. A small seed becomes a big tree. A simple smile across the dance floor can find you the love of your life, A simple thank you can make someone’s day and just a change of your thought can bring about a change in your outside world.
It is true, that the more you give, the more you get. Just for one day…try and experience it for yourself. Do not for fear of losing hold on so tight that your hands get stuck in a fist and you are unable to open them to even receive. A closed fist can neither give, nor receive!!!!
Luv/luck/happiness
In my research for “happiness in a bottle” . I came across various adages and quotations on happiness. Happiness is a choice thing- we can always choose happiness over unhappiness. It all comes down to perspective.
As a student of the art of happiness, I realized a very simple truth about happiness. ( the more you give the more you get), however this basic tenet about being there more joy in giving than receiving seems a bit hard to explain to a 5 year old.
Couple of days ago, my daughter and I were walking through a modern Hong Kong village and as usual I was giving her my pearls of wisdom about life and happiness and so on. As we were walking a little Chinese girl came out of her house and started looking at us. She must have been about 3-4 years old.
My daughter is 5 and a half and she was carrying a box of pretz . I told my daughter to give the box to the little girl and if she did that I would get her 2 in return. She stood there deliberating over it and tried to change the topic.
I stood firm and asked her to consider the offer one more time. She started bargaining with me and asked for 3 instead. We went back and forth and we finally agreed. As she was ready to part with her precious possession that she had managed to treble, she realized that the little girl had disappeared. She had gone back into the house and her grandfather had shut the door. Well! That was it, my daughter just lost her chance of trebling what she had.
We are the same; we hold on so tight for fear of losing what we have that we close ourselves to any other possibilities. Only if we could move beyond this fear, innumerable possibilities would open up.
Giving and gratitude allows us to receive more, where as selfishness brings about negative energy, because it implies lack. Feelings of lack close us towards the possibility of receiving and creating abundance. Truly recognizing the needs and wants of other people puts us in a higher vibration and allows for abundance to flow into our life.
Whatever you want more of, try giving it away. If you want more love, try giving love, you want more time, give your time to someone who needs it, you want more money, give money away. You want more happiness, try and make someone happy. You want more misery, go make someone miserable. You want good health……you don’t have to go and give your blood away, but go and spend some time with people who are unhealthy and bring a smile to their face, by giving them your time.
It is always the small things that make a big difference. A small seed becomes a big tree. A simple smile across the dance floor can find you the love of your life, A simple thank you can make someone’s day and just a change of your thought can bring about a change in your outside world.
It is true, that the more you give, the more you get. Just for one day…try and experience it for yourself. Do not for fear of losing hold on so tight that your hands get stuck in a fist and you are unable to open them to even receive. A closed fist can neither give, nor receive!!!!
Luv/luck/happiness
How does it matter?
How does it matter what people say?????
I was at my daughter’s school this afternoon, helping with the organization of the forthcoming fair. We were trying to hang the streamers in seemingly unreachable places , contorting our bodies and our minds. I could not figure out how to get those streamers up around the tree branches without using little monkeys to do that for us. My friend….let’s call her Sue had a brilliant idea. She started tying the rope to a thick tape role and hauling it over trees and I was at the other end to catch the role and viola we had the tree wrapped.
Amongst all this craziness my friend started complaining about how miserable she was, living where she did, because the maids/helpers in her street were constantly bitching about her and were making it rather difficult for her to find a new helper.
Living in HKG has its perks. Most of us are lucky enough to afford full time help. There are over a 100,000 Pilipino domestic helpers in HKG, making them the most popular domestic helpers and especially their command of English makes it easier for the expat community to communicate with them in comparison to the locals, Indonesians , Sri Lankans etc. Unfortunately, these helpers spend far too much time away from their families and are sometimes treated with disrespect by some people. Some of them get angry, upset and bitter. They however have a very strong network and therefore gossip or facts tends to travel very quickly.
Sadly, my friend Sue, became a target of some malicious slander amongst the Pilipino domestic helper community and this started having a massive effect on her. She was stressing herself to the point of physical illness and it even started affecting her domestic situation. She could not even walk out on the street without thinking what people might be talking about her.
She is a lovely, kind and generous human being, so obviously there is no truth in the slander, but somehow it has affected her badly.
My question to her was, why should it bother you? It is completely untrue and therefore it should have no affect on the way you feel. But we are human, and we use “being human” as an excuse to display our fallibility. What people say to us or about us leaves a big impression on the way we judge ourselves.
Gossip is engaging, it makes us become a part of the community, it is social, and the more slander there is the more interesting it is. I have myself been guilty about this lowly habit, but we don’t realize it’s devastating effect on people. Well we can’t stop them from talking, but we can definitely shield ourselves from gossip, by not allowing it to affect us. If someone was to point towards you and say….hey look at the crazy woman with orange hair. You don’t have orange hair, so it won’t bother you. In fact you just may turnaround and think that the person saying that is completely crazy. So why when someone criticizes our behavior, should it bother us. Just as orange or green hair is their perspective, similarly their idea of your character is their perspective ( Do I make sense??).
Why should it matter what they think? As long as you are in the right, show yourself some respect. Never ever allow any one (and very often it is the people who don’t even matter) to affect you. If anyone puts you down, in any manner, it is not about you! It is about the other person’s perceptions! Now, if you put yourself down, then somewhere along the line you bought into that false belief.
Read the following story to illustrate the point. If we listen to what people say, we may as well give up living.
· A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the frogs they were as good as dead. The frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all of their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up fighting, he died. The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out.When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
There! Just a matter of perspective, choose to hear and see only the good about you and about the people around you. Ignore the rest. It does not need to define your life. If you were to start listening to everything that people say about you, when will you ever have time to listen to yourself?
The last thing you want to do is give someone else the power and right over your moods. You alone are responsible for how you feel. No one can make you feel good or bad unless you allow them to.
Starting right now, make a promise to yourself, “I shall not allow other people’s perception of me affect me in any way. “ Remember, it is they who are suffering more as they probably have nothing worthwhile to occupy their time. Talking about you, gives them something to talk about and it gives them the momentary pleasure. Why deny them a little happiness!!!!!!!! ?????
Luv/luck/happiness
I was at my daughter’s school this afternoon, helping with the organization of the forthcoming fair. We were trying to hang the streamers in seemingly unreachable places , contorting our bodies and our minds. I could not figure out how to get those streamers up around the tree branches without using little monkeys to do that for us. My friend….let’s call her Sue had a brilliant idea. She started tying the rope to a thick tape role and hauling it over trees and I was at the other end to catch the role and viola we had the tree wrapped.
Amongst all this craziness my friend started complaining about how miserable she was, living where she did, because the maids/helpers in her street were constantly bitching about her and were making it rather difficult for her to find a new helper.
Living in HKG has its perks. Most of us are lucky enough to afford full time help. There are over a 100,000 Pilipino domestic helpers in HKG, making them the most popular domestic helpers and especially their command of English makes it easier for the expat community to communicate with them in comparison to the locals, Indonesians , Sri Lankans etc. Unfortunately, these helpers spend far too much time away from their families and are sometimes treated with disrespect by some people. Some of them get angry, upset and bitter. They however have a very strong network and therefore gossip or facts tends to travel very quickly.
Sadly, my friend Sue, became a target of some malicious slander amongst the Pilipino domestic helper community and this started having a massive effect on her. She was stressing herself to the point of physical illness and it even started affecting her domestic situation. She could not even walk out on the street without thinking what people might be talking about her.
She is a lovely, kind and generous human being, so obviously there is no truth in the slander, but somehow it has affected her badly.
My question to her was, why should it bother you? It is completely untrue and therefore it should have no affect on the way you feel. But we are human, and we use “being human” as an excuse to display our fallibility. What people say to us or about us leaves a big impression on the way we judge ourselves.
Gossip is engaging, it makes us become a part of the community, it is social, and the more slander there is the more interesting it is. I have myself been guilty about this lowly habit, but we don’t realize it’s devastating effect on people. Well we can’t stop them from talking, but we can definitely shield ourselves from gossip, by not allowing it to affect us. If someone was to point towards you and say….hey look at the crazy woman with orange hair. You don’t have orange hair, so it won’t bother you. In fact you just may turnaround and think that the person saying that is completely crazy. So why when someone criticizes our behavior, should it bother us. Just as orange or green hair is their perspective, similarly their idea of your character is their perspective ( Do I make sense??).
Why should it matter what they think? As long as you are in the right, show yourself some respect. Never ever allow any one (and very often it is the people who don’t even matter) to affect you. If anyone puts you down, in any manner, it is not about you! It is about the other person’s perceptions! Now, if you put yourself down, then somewhere along the line you bought into that false belief.
Read the following story to illustrate the point. If we listen to what people say, we may as well give up living.
· A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the frogs they were as good as dead. The frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all of their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up fighting, he died. The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out.When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
There! Just a matter of perspective, choose to hear and see only the good about you and about the people around you. Ignore the rest. It does not need to define your life. If you were to start listening to everything that people say about you, when will you ever have time to listen to yourself?
The last thing you want to do is give someone else the power and right over your moods. You alone are responsible for how you feel. No one can make you feel good or bad unless you allow them to.
Starting right now, make a promise to yourself, “I shall not allow other people’s perception of me affect me in any way. “ Remember, it is they who are suffering more as they probably have nothing worthwhile to occupy their time. Talking about you, gives them something to talk about and it gives them the momentary pleasure. Why deny them a little happiness!!!!!!!! ?????
Luv/luck/happiness
Happiness is a habit
Happiness is a habit
Simply put, happiness is a habit. So can we train ourselves to be happy?
According to Wray Herbert as stated in the Newsweek- “research shows that our brains have certain hardwired propensities that might be exploited. For example, our brains tend to register frequently heard facts as true, even if they are patently false. As a result, our memories and beliefs are highly malleable and unreliable. We also tend, if unchecked by the conscious reasoning mind, to focus overly on risk, inconvenience, hassles—anything negative. “ Does it not therefore make sense to change our thinking to change our habits and thereby change our life?
Read the following paragraph
Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed whotuit a pboerlm
I think most of you were able to read it, why ? .
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh?
What this proves is that our brains get used to the way we think. Our brain has a mind of its own that it develops due to the habits that we form. If we are constantly thinking negative thoughts, our brain circuitry gets hard wired to think in the negative realm and on the other hand optimists who think positively tend to hard wire their brains in a positive frame. The glass half full or half empty!!!!!
Also it has been proven that our unconscious/subconscious brain takes in about 80% of the information around us and our conscious brain can hold only 20% of the information at any given time. Therefore the more we surround ourselves with positive motivators such as positive people, positive messages, positive actions, books, programs the better it is for our brains to develop a positive outlook .
Take a look at the following box, a few diagonal lines with a red dot on the left side and a little + sign on the right.
Now, cover your right eye with your hand, then (using your left eye) look at the small cross to the right side of the image. Slowly moving your head towards the screen, while looking at the cross, at a certain point, the red dot will disappear.That's because the red dot is now in your blind spot, where the optic nerve joins the back of your eye. But here's the cool bit: the space where the red dot was gets filled in with the blue lines around it. Your brain fills in the space with what it thinks should be there, using whatever is around it!
Isn’t that interesting?
Your brain fills in the space with what it thinks should be there, using whatever is around it!
Yet again, we see how our brain reacts. It automatically finds solutions to its perceived problems. Once again it digs into its data bank to find the correct solution.
Now, let’s put it all in perspective. Let’s say you are the kind of person that sees the glass half full. You wake up and realize that you are 20 minutes late and now have to rush like a maniac and you will probably miss your 8.00 o-clock bus. Instead of cursing and panicking ( because that is just the way you are), you decide to enjoy your morning coffee and take a taxi to work instead. After all you don’t do that all the time so you see it as a luxury. You call your office and explain that you may be 15 -20 min late but you will still be there. You go out to hail a taxi and see a huge queue, you panic momentarily, but your sunny disposition does not allow that for long and you stand there listening to your iPod and smiling. Suddenly you feel a tap on your shoulder. You turn around and the person points you to someone who is waving at you. It is your colleague who is driving to work offering you a lift. Viola, problem solved. You are at work on time and you did not even pay for the taxi. You have a great day at work and the same colleague offers you a lift back.
Take two- same scenario, but you always see the glass half empty, the world is a miserable place and people are all out to get you. You wake up 20 minutes late, you curse and panic and inadvertently tip the lamp. It shatters to the floor. You curse more and scream at your spouse, helper, whoever is around to take your abuse. You have no time for breakfast so you rush out without even a cup of coffee. You have missed the bus and the taxi queue is long. You are angry, hungry and cursing. You don’t smile at anyone and keep cursing under your breath. People around you can feel your negativity and move away from you. Your colleague drives past, tries to get your attention, but you don’t seem to notice him and no one taps your shoulder, he drives away. You are hungry and irritable. You are massively late to work and your boss is really angry because you forgot to inform him/her about your tardiness. You have a miserable day at work and you feel like sh…t.
What a difference a day makes! But hold on, was it the day that made a difference or was it your attitude? Your attitude determines your next move and thereby changes the energy around you leading to a favorable or an unfavorable outcome.
You therefore have control over your circumstances. Many times however, we feel that we do not have control over the outcome. We may not have control over the outcome but we always have control over our outlook. Our habits form our attitude and our attitude forms our outlook, which in turn creates circumstances.
So, it makes sense to change our habits and thereby change our circumstances. Get into the habit of seeing the glass half full. It is after all a matter of perspective and training your brain.
It was thought that at around the age of 30 our brain capacity has been maximized and it is all downhill from there on . It has now been proven that the brain is highly malleable and trainable. It can be trained right till the day we leave this planet. Research is constantly being done to show the brains capacity to synthesize new brain cells and form new patterns. It is never too late to change your circumstances and become happier by adopting a happier attitude.
The next logical question would be, how to become happier? Well there is no hard and fast rule or a pill that can be taken. However there are things that we can do to become happier.
Start with a thank you journal. Every day find three things that you are grateful for. It could be as simple a steaming cup of coffee , a beautiful sunny day, a hug from your child, a compliment from a stranger , a request for friendship on MySpace or face book or as exotic as winning a million dollar lottery, a promotion at work, getting married to your dream partner and so on. Whatever you think you could be thankful for. Limit it to three a day, so that you have something for every day. This way you get into a habit of appreciation and gratitude and thereby start changing your brain pattern. Slowly and surely you brain starts developing new neural pathways that start looking out for things that give you reason to be happy and grateful. Your habits form your attitude and your attitude creates your outlook and you outlook creates your circumstances.
So get into the habit of being happy.
More later!!
Luv/luck/happiness.
Simply put, happiness is a habit. So can we train ourselves to be happy?
According to Wray Herbert as stated in the Newsweek- “research shows that our brains have certain hardwired propensities that might be exploited. For example, our brains tend to register frequently heard facts as true, even if they are patently false. As a result, our memories and beliefs are highly malleable and unreliable. We also tend, if unchecked by the conscious reasoning mind, to focus overly on risk, inconvenience, hassles—anything negative. “ Does it not therefore make sense to change our thinking to change our habits and thereby change our life?
Read the following paragraph
Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed whotuit a pboerlm
I think most of you were able to read it, why ? .
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh?
What this proves is that our brains get used to the way we think. Our brain has a mind of its own that it develops due to the habits that we form. If we are constantly thinking negative thoughts, our brain circuitry gets hard wired to think in the negative realm and on the other hand optimists who think positively tend to hard wire their brains in a positive frame. The glass half full or half empty!!!!!
Also it has been proven that our unconscious/subconscious brain takes in about 80% of the information around us and our conscious brain can hold only 20% of the information at any given time. Therefore the more we surround ourselves with positive motivators such as positive people, positive messages, positive actions, books, programs the better it is for our brains to develop a positive outlook .
Take a look at the following box, a few diagonal lines with a red dot on the left side and a little + sign on the right.
Now, cover your right eye with your hand, then (using your left eye) look at the small cross to the right side of the image. Slowly moving your head towards the screen, while looking at the cross, at a certain point, the red dot will disappear.That's because the red dot is now in your blind spot, where the optic nerve joins the back of your eye. But here's the cool bit: the space where the red dot was gets filled in with the blue lines around it. Your brain fills in the space with what it thinks should be there, using whatever is around it!
Isn’t that interesting?
Your brain fills in the space with what it thinks should be there, using whatever is around it!
Yet again, we see how our brain reacts. It automatically finds solutions to its perceived problems. Once again it digs into its data bank to find the correct solution.
Now, let’s put it all in perspective. Let’s say you are the kind of person that sees the glass half full. You wake up and realize that you are 20 minutes late and now have to rush like a maniac and you will probably miss your 8.00 o-clock bus. Instead of cursing and panicking ( because that is just the way you are), you decide to enjoy your morning coffee and take a taxi to work instead. After all you don’t do that all the time so you see it as a luxury. You call your office and explain that you may be 15 -20 min late but you will still be there. You go out to hail a taxi and see a huge queue, you panic momentarily, but your sunny disposition does not allow that for long and you stand there listening to your iPod and smiling. Suddenly you feel a tap on your shoulder. You turn around and the person points you to someone who is waving at you. It is your colleague who is driving to work offering you a lift. Viola, problem solved. You are at work on time and you did not even pay for the taxi. You have a great day at work and the same colleague offers you a lift back.
Take two- same scenario, but you always see the glass half empty, the world is a miserable place and people are all out to get you. You wake up 20 minutes late, you curse and panic and inadvertently tip the lamp. It shatters to the floor. You curse more and scream at your spouse, helper, whoever is around to take your abuse. You have no time for breakfast so you rush out without even a cup of coffee. You have missed the bus and the taxi queue is long. You are angry, hungry and cursing. You don’t smile at anyone and keep cursing under your breath. People around you can feel your negativity and move away from you. Your colleague drives past, tries to get your attention, but you don’t seem to notice him and no one taps your shoulder, he drives away. You are hungry and irritable. You are massively late to work and your boss is really angry because you forgot to inform him/her about your tardiness. You have a miserable day at work and you feel like sh…t.
What a difference a day makes! But hold on, was it the day that made a difference or was it your attitude? Your attitude determines your next move and thereby changes the energy around you leading to a favorable or an unfavorable outcome.
You therefore have control over your circumstances. Many times however, we feel that we do not have control over the outcome. We may not have control over the outcome but we always have control over our outlook. Our habits form our attitude and our attitude forms our outlook, which in turn creates circumstances.
So, it makes sense to change our habits and thereby change our circumstances. Get into the habit of seeing the glass half full. It is after all a matter of perspective and training your brain.
It was thought that at around the age of 30 our brain capacity has been maximized and it is all downhill from there on . It has now been proven that the brain is highly malleable and trainable. It can be trained right till the day we leave this planet. Research is constantly being done to show the brains capacity to synthesize new brain cells and form new patterns. It is never too late to change your circumstances and become happier by adopting a happier attitude.
The next logical question would be, how to become happier? Well there is no hard and fast rule or a pill that can be taken. However there are things that we can do to become happier.
Start with a thank you journal. Every day find three things that you are grateful for. It could be as simple a steaming cup of coffee , a beautiful sunny day, a hug from your child, a compliment from a stranger , a request for friendship on MySpace or face book or as exotic as winning a million dollar lottery, a promotion at work, getting married to your dream partner and so on. Whatever you think you could be thankful for. Limit it to three a day, so that you have something for every day. This way you get into a habit of appreciation and gratitude and thereby start changing your brain pattern. Slowly and surely you brain starts developing new neural pathways that start looking out for things that give you reason to be happy and grateful. Your habits form your attitude and your attitude creates your outlook and you outlook creates your circumstances.
So get into the habit of being happy.
More later!!
Luv/luck/happiness.
GPS
GPS- Global Positioning System
I just got back from a holiday in Massachusetts, United States. We drove from New York to Boston to Cape Cod to Marshfield and back via the same route to New York. Not once did we lose our way or take a wrong turn to reach our destination. We used a GPS- the Global Positioning System to guide us on our chosen destination. All we had to do was punch in the destination and viola, a lovely voice guided us through all the right and left turns along with the estimated miles and minutes.
Wow! How easy it has become to drive in foreign places. As long as you know the destination, you will be guided through the journey.
This got me thinking, isn’t life the same? If we know the destination the path will be shown to us, we just have to be tuned in to the various signs on the way. There is unfortunately no GPS for the journey of life, but that is exactly what makes life so interesting and exciting.
I remembered my holiday to Italy last year, when we decided to drive from Rome to Viareggio via Tuscany and then back to Rome. This time we had no GPS and no particular destination. So we just started driving with a map and an, English to Italian translation book. As soon as we started driving we took a wrong turn and ended up exactly where we started. We laughed, cursed and started yet again. This time we drove for about 2- 3 hours following the signs to Tuscany. As we were driving we saw signs to a beautiful Agriturismo. (Agriturismo - a combination of the words for "agriculture" and "tourism" . These are generally old farm houses with lots of farm land and farm animals that are let out to tourists). We decided to follow the sign and drove through the most beautiful scenery and eventually ended up in the lovely old farm house.
We decided to spend a night there before heading on our journey. It was the best decision ever; we were like guests in the house. Special food and wine was prepared for us and we were given a guided farm tour. My daughter was in animal heaven. She made friends with the horse, the cows, the ducks, the pigs , the chicken…. You name it they had it.
Instead of staying one night, we stayed two nights and continued our journey. Having had such a wonderful experience we decided to look for another Agriturismo in Siena. This time however we were awfully disappointed. This was not really an Agriturismo, but some place trying to sell itself as one. The counter was manned by a surly old man who was probably having a bad day and did not hide the fact. We could have driven off to another place, but we were too tired, so decided to spend the night as it was already too late. Next day we were in a surprise of a life time. We did not know that Siena was hosting the Palio ( a horse race which attracts thousands of spectators from around the world). It was the most riveting thing I had ever seen. Now I understood why the man at the counter was so unhappy. He probably had worked a double shift.
From there on we continued our journey, stopping on the way at places we knew and some that we had no clue about. We saw lovely sights on the way and sometimes got thoroughly lost. All this added to the excitement and the adventure. We had a holiday of a life time.
The American holiday had its own charm. Here we were at ease. We spoke the language, had a GPS and had family and a home to go to. Yet another lovely holiday, but entirely different.
Coming back to life; Life is what we choose to make of it. We can choose to take the safe route , punch in the destination and let the journey begin or we can start on the journey and navigate the twists and turns on the way and wait for the surprises. Sometimes they may be pleasant and sometimes they may be unpleasant, but the overall experience will definitely be enriching. Just imagine if you had a plan for everything and knew exactly where you wanted to go and somehow there was a mal function in your GPS of life would you still be able to cope? The ideal way would be to have a destination in mind and let life offer the various paths, sometimes they may be better than what you had thought of.
There is no wrong or right way, it is your way. Whatever you choose will have its pros and cons and will eventually take you where you want to go, and even if you don’t reach the destination at least enjoy the journey. Don’t let yourself get too bogged down by the details or the exactness of the situation, let life bring forward the surprises.
GPS or no GPS, life is a journey, not a destination so let’s enjoy the ride.
Luv/Luck/Happiness
I just got back from a holiday in Massachusetts, United States. We drove from New York to Boston to Cape Cod to Marshfield and back via the same route to New York. Not once did we lose our way or take a wrong turn to reach our destination. We used a GPS- the Global Positioning System to guide us on our chosen destination. All we had to do was punch in the destination and viola, a lovely voice guided us through all the right and left turns along with the estimated miles and minutes.
Wow! How easy it has become to drive in foreign places. As long as you know the destination, you will be guided through the journey.
This got me thinking, isn’t life the same? If we know the destination the path will be shown to us, we just have to be tuned in to the various signs on the way. There is unfortunately no GPS for the journey of life, but that is exactly what makes life so interesting and exciting.
I remembered my holiday to Italy last year, when we decided to drive from Rome to Viareggio via Tuscany and then back to Rome. This time we had no GPS and no particular destination. So we just started driving with a map and an, English to Italian translation book. As soon as we started driving we took a wrong turn and ended up exactly where we started. We laughed, cursed and started yet again. This time we drove for about 2- 3 hours following the signs to Tuscany. As we were driving we saw signs to a beautiful Agriturismo. (Agriturismo - a combination of the words for "agriculture" and "tourism" . These are generally old farm houses with lots of farm land and farm animals that are let out to tourists). We decided to follow the sign and drove through the most beautiful scenery and eventually ended up in the lovely old farm house.
We decided to spend a night there before heading on our journey. It was the best decision ever; we were like guests in the house. Special food and wine was prepared for us and we were given a guided farm tour. My daughter was in animal heaven. She made friends with the horse, the cows, the ducks, the pigs , the chicken…. You name it they had it.
Instead of staying one night, we stayed two nights and continued our journey. Having had such a wonderful experience we decided to look for another Agriturismo in Siena. This time however we were awfully disappointed. This was not really an Agriturismo, but some place trying to sell itself as one. The counter was manned by a surly old man who was probably having a bad day and did not hide the fact. We could have driven off to another place, but we were too tired, so decided to spend the night as it was already too late. Next day we were in a surprise of a life time. We did not know that Siena was hosting the Palio ( a horse race which attracts thousands of spectators from around the world). It was the most riveting thing I had ever seen. Now I understood why the man at the counter was so unhappy. He probably had worked a double shift.
From there on we continued our journey, stopping on the way at places we knew and some that we had no clue about. We saw lovely sights on the way and sometimes got thoroughly lost. All this added to the excitement and the adventure. We had a holiday of a life time.
The American holiday had its own charm. Here we were at ease. We spoke the language, had a GPS and had family and a home to go to. Yet another lovely holiday, but entirely different.
Coming back to life; Life is what we choose to make of it. We can choose to take the safe route , punch in the destination and let the journey begin or we can start on the journey and navigate the twists and turns on the way and wait for the surprises. Sometimes they may be pleasant and sometimes they may be unpleasant, but the overall experience will definitely be enriching. Just imagine if you had a plan for everything and knew exactly where you wanted to go and somehow there was a mal function in your GPS of life would you still be able to cope? The ideal way would be to have a destination in mind and let life offer the various paths, sometimes they may be better than what you had thought of.
There is no wrong or right way, it is your way. Whatever you choose will have its pros and cons and will eventually take you where you want to go, and even if you don’t reach the destination at least enjoy the journey. Don’t let yourself get too bogged down by the details or the exactness of the situation, let life bring forward the surprises.
GPS or no GPS, life is a journey, not a destination so let’s enjoy the ride.
Luv/Luck/Happiness
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